Monthly Archive: November 2004

Why we love kids

NUDITY

I was
driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.  She was stark
naked!  As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout
from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

OPINIONS

On
the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are
not necessarily those of his parents.”

MORE NUDITY

A
little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker
room.  When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement, and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a
little boy before?”

POLICE

It
was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station.  As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake began
barking. I saw a little boy staring in at me.  “Is that a dog you got
back there?” he asked.  “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy
looked at me and then towards the back of the van.  Finally he asked,
“What’d he do?”

ELDERLY

While
working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and
wheelchairs unfailingly intrigued her.  One day I found her staring at
a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The
tooth fairy will never believe this!”

DRESS-UP

A
little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.  When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that
suit.”  “And why not, darling?” he asked.  “Because it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

SCHOOL

A
little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just
wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write,
and they won’t let me talk!”

BIBLE

A
little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.  “Mama, look what
I found!” the boy called out. ” What have
you got there, dear?” his mother asked.  With astonishment in the young
boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

We had a nice, quiet Thanksgiving together.  We had contacted some
friends and invited them to share with us, but couldn’t find anyone
available.

Kayla made some batterless fried chicken and some deviled eggs.  I
made Moss’ Famous Casserole — I won’t tell you what’s in it, because
when people try it they like it but if they hear what it is they don’t
try it.  Later on, my neighbor John came back from his
Thanksgiving dinner with his mother and brought us some turkey and
gravy leftovers.  (He brought a couple other things too, but with
my sugar allergy and Kayla’s diabetes, we had to thankfully refuse to
accept them.)

Right now, Kayla is out walking around town with our friend
Morganite.  I would have gone with them but had too many things to
catch up on here, mostly stuff for my new student and for the Recovery,
Inc. group.

Sorry I haven’t said much lately, but as has been said, “A happy people does not make history.”

Hugs,
Me

Canadian
Crossings

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into
Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush
is prompting the exodus among Left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll
soon be required to hunt, pray  and agree with Bill O’Reilly.

Canadian
border farmers say its not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their
fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some
free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even
get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the
illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences but the liberals
scaled
them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across
the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still
got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give
milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near
the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them
across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these
people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border
patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.
They
did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”

When liberals
are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly
that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education
camps in
which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In
the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes
ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as
senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior-citizen passengers. “If they can’t identify the
accordion
player on The Lawrence Welk  Show, we get suspicious about their age,”
an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. “I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. 
“How many art-history majors does one country need?”

In an effort to
ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice-President Dick
Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
to Cheney said. “We’re going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary
concerts.
And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president
is determined to reach out.”

Why We Love Children

1.
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was
dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child
innocently. “You did WHAT ? ! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it
didn’t move.”

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his
father. Five minutes later…..”Da-ad….” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can
you bring drink of water?” “No, You had your chance. Lights out.” Five
minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink
of water??” I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..” “WHAT!” “When you come in to
spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

3. An
exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it
over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come
in or stay out!'”

4. One summer evening during a
violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was
about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
“Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him
a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s
room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
“The big sissy.”

5. It was that time, during the
Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children
were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over
and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The
little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone,
“Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

6. When I
was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but
what’s growing in your butt?”

7. A little boy was
doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son
of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
“Your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What
are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we
are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to
say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?” After the teacher
stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

8. One day the first grade
teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came
to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
“The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked
the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl
raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking
chicken!'” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her
name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her
this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to
her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

10.
A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the
boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re
too rough.”  The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

11.
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack
cake The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your
Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs
too.”

from The Onion:


 Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich
     WASHINGTON, DC—The economically disadvantaged segment of the U.S. population provided the decisive factor in another presidential election last Tuesday, handing control of the government to the rich and powerful once again.








Bush and Cheney accept victory.
Above: Bush and Cheney accept victory.

“The Republican party—the party of industrial mega-capitalists, corporate financiers, power brokers, and the moneyed elite—would like to thank the undereducated rural poor, the struggling blue-collar workers in Middle America, and the God-fearing underpriviledged minorities who voted George W. Bush back into office,” Karl Rove, senior advisor to Bush, told reporters at a press conference Monday. “You have selflessly sacrificed your well-being and voted against your own economic interest. For this, we humbly thank you.”


Added Rove: “You have acted beyond the call of duty—or, for that matter, good sense.”


According to Rove, the Republicans found strong support in non-urban areas populated by the people who would have benefited most from the lower-income tax cuts and social-service programs championed by Kerry. Regardless of their own interests, these citizens turned out in record numbers to elect conservatives into office at all levels of the government.


“My family’s been suffering ever since I lost my job at the screen-door factory, and I haven’t seen a doctor for well on four years now,” said father of four Buddy Kaldrin of Eerie, CO. “Shit, I don’t even remember what a dentist’s chair looks like… Basically, I’d give up if it weren’t for God’s grace. So it’s good to know we have a president who cares about religion, too.”


Kaldrin added: “That’s why I always vote straight-ticket Republican, just like my daddy did, before he lost the farm and shot himself in the head, and just like his daddy did, before he died of black-lung disease in the company coal mines.”


Kaldrin was one of many who listed moral issues among their primary reasons for voting Republican.








Bush supporters vote in Kendall, FL.
Above: Bush supporters vote in Kendall, FL.

“Our society is falling apart—our treasured values are under attack by terrorists,” said Ellen Blaine of Givens, OH, a tiny rural farming community as likely to be attacked by terrorists as it is to be hit by a meteor. “We need someone with old-time morals in the White House. I may not have much of anything in this world, but at least I have my family.”


“John Kerry is a flip-flopper,” she continued. “I saw it on TV. Who knows what terrible things might’ve happened to my sons overseas if he’d been put in charge?”


Kerry supporters also turned out in large numbers this year, but they were outnumbered by those citizens who voted for Bush.


“The alliance between the tiny fraction at the top of the pyramid and the teeming masses of mouth-breathers at its enormous base has never been stronger,” a triumphant Bush said. “We have an understanding, them and us. They help us stay rich, and in return, we help them stay poor. See? No matter what naysayers may think, the system works.”


Added Bush: “God bless America’s backwards hicks, lunchpail-toting blockheads, doddering elderly, and bumpity-car-driving Spanish-speakers.”

Here are some pictures from our Handfasting!


Kayla and Moss


Sabra, John6, Maureen, Singing Wolf, Morganite’s Mom, Tristan (rear), Morganite (front), Joy, Aianna (rear), Kayla, Moss, Dawn, Lord RavenWind, SapphireSkye


The happy couple being blessed while entering the Circle


Morganite entering the Circle


Beginning the Ritual


Blessing the Rings (on a Willow wand)


Binding the Ritual


After the Ritual – Tristan, Aianna, SapphireSkye, Kayla, Moss, Lord RavenWind


During the Feast – Kayla, Moss, Singing Wolf


SapphireSkye, Singing Wolf, Aianna

That’s enough for now, hope you liked them!

Hugs,
Me

Yayyyyyy it’s over, we did it, we’re handfasted, and Kayla loves meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!


Including ourselves, there were 15 people there, about the right amount for SerpentStone Circle.  We had a great time, ate a lot, I sang some, and we came home with a bottle of mead made by my late great friend Tommy.  We’ve tried to open it, but it’s too fizzy, should probably let it settle after the car ride home.


Many thanks to all our friends who helped us through this.  We have some film pictures and some digital pictures, I’ll post something as soon as I get it.  Kayla was beautiful of course, and I’m just so lucky to have her love (and have her to give my love to).


Talk to ya later.  I’m unplugging the phones for tonight.


Hugs,
Moss

Ragdoll
You are a Ragdoll! You are known for your laid
back attitude. You are the ultimate in
low-maintenance. You’d rather hang out around
the house all day than seek adventure.

What breed of cat are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is the Big Day! Kayla and I are getting Handfasted in about 6 hours! I’m sooooooooooooooo happy! I think Kayla is more relaxed than I am…

Hugs,
Me