Monthly Archive: August 2006

My scooter arrived on Wednesday.  It’s cute, but I wish I had bought the XG-470 instead, it has lights and other features missing on this (faster and heavier-duty) model.

I submitted my 5th monthly article to PaganPages.org.  Hopefully it was in time, I may have missed the stated deadline.

A friend of mine is coming for an extended visit.  I have no idea how extended.  It depends largely on how much help I can get for her, she has been sick a long time and doctors in the places she has been don’t pay much attention to homeless people or the impoverished.  I hope Asheville will be better for her.

A friend of mine died Friday night.  Some of his friends got to find out before he died and talked to him.  I was not one of those.  It is definite that his death resulted from things he did to himself, but it is not known and may never be known whether it was his intent to die at this time.

And my grandmother died tonight, at 5:40 PDT in Long Beach, CA.  My parents are still working hard to take care of her, arranging for services and burial.  I am so saddened by this that I have no words.

I hope you all have friends and loved ones around you.

Hugs,
Me

I guess things are OK.  I’m staying put… my scooter arrives Thursday… hope I’m here to get it.  Dad says that Grandma has pretty much stopped eating, and most of what she eats is inhaled rather than swallowed.  Doesn’t look good.

I meet with my current therapiest tomorrow.  I don’t think it’s going well… he’s a nice guy, but seems to be unqualified to actually help.  I have an appointment with another therapist on Friday, we’ll see if that one works out.

V called a couple days ago, and I’ve just been too busy to call her back.  I hope she doesn’t think I’m mad at her.  Pam came over and spent several hours with me, we watched part of one movie (was too weird even for us) and then watched one of my favorite all-time movies.  She loved it, I knew she would.

Asheville Radical Mental Health Collective continues to grow in good ways.  We are trying new things as we get larger, getting almost “organized”.  After the meeting Monday, M. and E. and I went to Asheville Brewing Company and hung out for quite a while.

I’ve been cleaning my apartment.  It’s easier now that (a) I have given away my guinea pig (snif, I miss her) and (b) I got a new vacuum cleaner.  Cleaned off the entire kitchen cabinets and moved a few underused utensils into the cupboards.  Still need to clean the stove and oven… need a new (used) recliner, this one is falling apart.  Back to Habitat Home Store for that, I guess, soon as I get a few more $$$ at the first of the month.

I worked a lot on the Kindness Campaign’s website… one thing was beyond my abilities to fix, so I got Barry’s permission to get Robbie on the job.  He fixed it in just a few minutes, as I knew he would.  A couple of my other websites have gone fallow.  Don’t have any new ones to work on.

Guess that’s about it.

Hugs,
Me

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This is My Heart

This is my heart. It is a good heart.
Bones and a membrane of mist and fire
are the woven cover.
When we make love in the flower world
my heart is close enough to sing
to yours in a language that has no use
for clumsy human words.

My head is a good head, but it is a hard head
and it whirs inside with a swarm of worries.
What is the source of this singing, it asks
and if there is a source why can’t I see it
right here, right now
as real as these hands hammering
the world together
with nails and sinew?

This is my soul. It is a good soul.
It tells me, “come here forgetful one.”
And we sit together with a lilt of small winds
who rattle the scrub oak.
We cook a little something
to eat: a rabbit, some sofkey
then a sip of something sweet
for memory.

This is my song. It is a good song.
It walked forever the border of fire and water
climbed ribs of desire to my lips to sing to you.
Its new wings quiver with
vulnerability.

Come lie next to me, says my heart.
Put your head here.
It is a good thing, says my soul.

~ Joy Harjo ~

Today was difficult, perhaps stressful, but for the better.  M. came over and we talked about ARMHC, got some personal stuff ironed out between us and a lot more understanding…  She took me to Aldi for grocery shopping after we had everything ironed out and calmed down for the moment. 

I bought my scooter.  Should have it in a week or two.

After various negotiations with two of my credit card companies, and determining that neither was going to help me get rid of the other, I determined how I would eliminate another card.  It will take 3-4 months, but it will happen.

Various phone calls with various friends.  Most of them are either making strides or helping me make my own strides.  Talked to Mom tonight, she gave me the update on Grandma’s health, which is about the same, “could be days or weeks”.

Hugs,
Me

=====

Another hectic day.

I got up, got my mail, read my email.  I went to the bank to pick up some deposit slips and to the post office to get some change of address cards, to mail to Frankie (still in the hospital, could be there for a while).  Afterwards I went to the local copy center to get copies made of the latest flier (I get paid to distribute these around town), and from there went to distribute several of them (9 of the 22 on my list).  On my way home I ran into the mother of a friend of mine (the mother is kind of a friend too, and is about my age).  We talked for a bit.  I went home. 

Dialed in to check my email again, during which a call came in — but I didn’t hear it due to dialing in at the same time.  When I saw there was a message, I tried to listen to it, and found my speakers were not working.  I figured out what was wrong and fixed it, going offline at the same time (and there were other fun things that happened during the fixing process).  I found that the caller was my friend Pam.  I couldn’t find her number to call back. 

I collapsed into my chair to relax a bit.  I called Frankie to see how she was feeling today… and before I’d been on the phone more than 20 seconds, there was a knock on the door.  I excused myself from my call with Frankie.  I remembered that my friend Molly was likely to come over.  I went to the door… but before I got there, my phone rang.  I yelled “Hold on!” through the door, answered the phone, told whoever it was to hold on, answered the door.  It was my friend Laura, who said her husband Gene was out trying to find a place to park the car.  I went back to the phone, found out it was V calling.  I told her she’d have to call later.  It was fine with her.

Laura and I went out to find Gene.  He had stalled the car at the end of the block, and the starter was shot (they just bought it, he had not driven a clutch before, and they knew the starter was shot.)  We got the car going, came back downstairs while Gene went off to find a parking place.  Several minutes later, we went out looking for Gene again.  Finally he came down the street walking, said he parked the car in one of the City’s garages about 2 blocks away.

We sat down and started to talk.  We barely had gotten started when there was a voice at my window (people have learned that the back door to the building is locked always and the front door usually, so they come to my window).  It was Pam.  She needed to talk.  I asked Gene and Laura if it was OK, they said fine, and so I went to get Pam in.  At this point I had about 50 minutes before I was due at a meeting.

We dealt with the issue with Pam, best we could in the limited time.  She left.  Gene and Laura agreed to take my guinea pig, Galaxy, and also drive me to the meeting.  We collected our things and all of Galaxy’s stuff and walked to the garage.  Everything was fine from then on…

The meeting was hectic but effective.  I walked home, trying to find a place to get something to eat, but everything was closed.  I went home.  I sat down and called Frankie back, then tried to call V.  Got a busy signal.  Waited a minute and tried again.  Same thing.  Waited 5 minutes and got through to her CallWave, meaning she was on the computer but would be told I called.  She called back almost immediately, and said I must have called before while she was trying to call me.

I got back on the Internet to catch up on my day’s email.  Just finished that.  (Not telling what any of the conversations were, not my business to tell everyone.)  It is now 13 hours from when I awoke, can go back to my chair and relax.

The word on my grandmother is that she is hallucinating today, thought she had just gotten back from Hawaii.  I wish I could be there, I haven’t seen her for over 10 years.  snif

Hugs,
Me

VMeter is 30-40 right now.

Dad writes:

Mom [my grandmother] seems to be losing more each day.  Last evening she ate pretty well
and I got her to drink all of the Strawberry milkshake( it is kind of
like ENSURE —all fortified with vitamins) about a third of the
Limabean,Ham, Stew mixture. More than half of the cornbread cupcake.
But this time when she said she didn’t want anymore I couldn’t get
another bite into her.  She just layed back and teried to sleep.

Judy
arrived and perked her up a bit but she’d take nothing more to eat  We
were there for about another half an hour and then we had to leave her
to get some sleep. We stayed in the Lobby for another half an hour then
Ray and Annette went back in to see her (Thay had been in the Lobby all
the time Judy and I were trying to feed her).   They had to request
that she be cleaned up and made ready for the night.

She doesn’t
speak much above a whisper and you really have to be dedicated to
listening to hear what she says.    She has finally come to the
realization that she cannot walk—she made the statement last night.
“I can’t walk, guess I’ll just lay here.”  like she resolved to stay
right there.

That’s
about all for this time.  We’ll see her again today.  The PN said that
she ate all of her breakfast but judging from what we see at noon when
Ray feeds her and in the evening when I feed her —there’s very little
likihood of her completely eating everything.   She probably eats
everything they feed her but none of them have the time to stand there
until every bite is gone. We have been there when the PN fed her three
bites and then was called away to do some-  thing else and nerver gets
back to the feeding chore.

[end]

I have some errands to run for Frankie and some fliers to print and distribute.  I also have some changes to make to the Kindness Campaign website, which I should have done Saturday or Sunday.

Hugs,
Moss

My grandmother is still hanging on.  While I have been keeping in touch, I have not sent a card.  I’m sure somebody is judging me about that.

The personal stuff is still at a low-ish point… not at the bottom, but on a scale of 1-100 is bouncing between 10 and 40 from one hour to the next.

Lenny, Kelly and I went to a football game tonight — Asheville Grizzlies vs. Charleston Firecats.  The Grizzlies won, but it was an ugly, but funny, game.  The Grizzlies are currently in first place in their division, but I know absolutely nothing about the league (North American Football League).  The final score was 17-13 if I remember right.  The Grizzlies’ defense was VERY good, the offense looked pretty good but gave up 3 fumbles.  The Special Teams were not.  (After the Grizzlies impressively drove for a touchdown in the first quarter, the Firecats scored on a Kickoff Return; there were a few other fauxs pas on Special Teams.)

My friend, Frankie, is still in the hospital (Wake Forest University Medical Center Burn Unit).  But things are looking up, and she could be out of the hospital in a couple weeks.  She might have to spend a couple weeks after that in another facility before coming home again.

We have had a couple more big hopes raised for Asheville Homeless Network.  The Asheville Art Museum has hired a new Curator of Education, and she would like to include AHN in a grant she wants to apply for, giving local homeless artists and craftspeople more training and a place to sell their finished works.  We should also be getting an Intern from Warren Wilson College to handle some of the recordkeeping and contacts when the new semester starts.

Guess that’s it for now.  I am surviving.  If the economy can hold still for a few more years, I’ll be in good shape soon.

Hugs,
Me

=====

10 Steps to Forgiveness
By Diana Robinson

For many people forgiveness is one of the hardest steps of all in our progress toward freedom of spirit. Yet it is essential. For as long as we are unable to forgive, we keep ourselves chained to the unforgiven. We give them rent-free space in our minds, emotional shackles on our hearts, and the right to torment us in the small hours of the night. When it is time to move on, but still too hard, try some or all of these steps. (Note that these steps are appropriate for events resulting from an ongoing relationship with anyone. They may not all be appropriate for the random act of violence from a stranger.)

1. Understand that forgiving does not mean giving permission for the behaviour to be repeated. It does not mean saying that what was done was acceptable. Forgiveness is needed for behaviours that were not acceptable and that you should not allow to be repeated.

2. Recognize who is being hurt by your non-forgiveness. Does the other person burn with your anger, feel the knot in your stomach, experience the cycling and recycling of your thoughts as you re-experience the events in your mind? Do they stay awake as you rehearse in your mind what you would like to say or do to ‘punish’ them? No, the pain is all yours.

3. Do not demand to know ‘why’ as a prerequisite to forgiveness. Knowing why the behaviour happened is unlikely to lessen the pain, because the pain came at a time when you did not know why. Occasionally there are times when knowing why makes forgiveness unnecessary, but they are rare. Don’t count on it and don’t count on even the perpetrator knowing why.

4. Make a list of what you need to forgive. What was actually done that caused your pain? Not what you felt, what was done.

5. Acknowledge your part. Were you honest about your hurt or did you hide the fact that the behaviour hurt you? Did you seek peace by reassuring the perpetrator that it was all right? Did you stay when you could or should have left? If so, then you, too, have some responsibility. (Here you start to move away from being a victim.)

6. Make a list of what you gained from the relationship, whatever form of relationship it was. Looking back you may be focusing on the negatives, the hurts. Yet if they were repeated, you must have stayed to allow the repetition. You did not remove yourself. Why? There must have been some positives if you chose to stay around. What were they?

7. Write a letter to the person (no need to mail it). Acknowledge what you gained from the relationship, and express forgiveness for the hurts. Allow yourself to express all your feelings fully. Do not focus only on the hurts.

8. Create a ceremony in which you get rid of your lists and the letter, so symbolizing the ending of the link between you. You may choose to visualize placing them on a raft and watching it drift gently away down a river. You may prefer to burn them and scatter the ashes. You may invent some other form of ritualized separation.

9. Visualize the person you are forgiving being blessed by your forgiveness and, as a result, being freed from continuing the behaviour that hurt you.

10. Now that you have freed yourself from the painful links and released the pain, feel yourself growing lighter and more joyous. Now you are free to move on with your life without that burden of bitterness. Do not look back in anger.

 
About the Author: Diana Robinson, Ph.D. , Professional Life Coach, Writer, Editor, Counsellor, who can be reached at Diana@choicecoach.com, or visited on the web athttp://www.ChoiceCoach.com.

By focusing on their personal growth, Diana’s clients enhance their understanding of what is truly important to them, and so are able to focus their time and energy on these things. The result is tremendous growth in both their outward success and their inner joy.

What a mixed day of wonder, joy, and sadness!

My hopes of moving have not been dashed, but my feelings are lowered at this time.  I won’t get into that here. 

My grandmother is ill, will perhaps leave this plane soon, and I have no way of getting there to see her before then.

My ex-wife, Laura, just called me for the first time since she remarried in 1999, and wants to talk to me.  We have kept in touch through email, but this is the first time she has actually called me.

My former High Priestess in “my” online religious studies group, Golden Wyvern Coven, contacted me through this very blog, and we are talking again in YMessenger.

I got two emails in response to my latest article at http://PaganPages.org – one telling me I shouldn’t say something I said (in the article, I stated I was not the authority, and gave out the information as to who was) and the other thanking me for the article, saying that it has really helped her in her daily life already.  (These are the first emails I have gotten in response to my articles at PaganPages, and this is my 4th monthly article in the series).

My closest friend, Frankie, is in the hospital in Winston-Salem NC, with her feet not healing properly and some chance of losing them altogether, something she is rightfully fighting tooth and claw (with her new false teeth), but I hope she does not fight it all the way to losing her life instead of her feet.

And to top it off, I just got asked by Nathan Rogers to add himself to my Friends list at MySpace.  Nathan just had his own CD released earlier this year, and is the son of the greatest musician to ever play a guitar (in addition to having the finest voice ever and being the best lyricist ever), Stan Rogers (and the nephew of his brother, Garnet, who is more than a fine musician in his own right).  I guess you could say there is some hero-worship here, yes?  It is a sad commentary that I play Stan’s songs often in my performances, and get asked if I wrote them… how soon we forget…

And it’s still 5 pm!  I do have the monthly Pagan Meetup tonight, we’re going to Mamacita’s.

Hugs,
Me

Grandma was a bit stronger today, and actually ate some food.  The doctors yesterday said she might only last a few days, today it was a few weeks.  Maybe tomorrow it will be a few years.

It is very scary to be on the verge of getting what you always wanted.  The trick is to be more focused on getting what you always wanted than you are on the being scared part.

Hugs,
Me

=====

“It is not our arrogance but our humility that teaches us that who we are is good enough, and what we have to say is valid. It is our own self-hatred that makes it difficult for us to consistently support and nurture other people, because supporting others amounts to supporting ourselves.”
– Marianne Williamson

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THESE MOMS SHARE SPECIAL GIFTS

by Erma Bombeck

(published without permission, hehe)

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger. ‘Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecelia. Rudledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint…give her Gerard. He’s used to profanity.’ Finally he passes a name to an angel and smiles, ‘Give her a handicapped child.’

The angel is curious, ‘Why this one, God? She’s so happy.’

‘Exactly,’ says God. ‘Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.’

‘But has she patience?’ asks the angel.

‘I don’t want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she’ll handle it. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I’m going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world, and that’s not going to be easy.’

‘But, Lord, I don’t think that she even believes in you.’

God smiles, ‘No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.’

The angel gasps, ‘Selfishness? Is that a virtue?’

God nods, ‘If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says Momma for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.’

‘I will permit her to see clearly the things I see…ignorance, cruelty, prejudice…and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side.’

‘And what about her patron saint?’ asks the angel, pen poised in midair.

God smiles, ‘A mirror will suffice.’

=====

My Dad writes:

The doctor told us tonight that Mom only has a few days to live.  Of
course he is guessing but he has more experience with this situation
than we so we have to place some faith in his estimate.

Tomorrow
they are going to try to feed her again.  The doctor said he wantys her
to be as comfortable as possible and he thinks that she may be able to
eat some food. At first it will have to be pureed but it may succeed
and she may rally and live longer than expected.

We’ll keep you posted.

=====

Things are going great for me.  I’m looking to pull up stakes… but can’t make that decision for another month…  already getting my stuff together and finding people to take my place in local duties.

Hugs,
Me

=====

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, over-weight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, “I love you” to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

   1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

   2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

   3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.” And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

   4. Enjoy the simple things.

   5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

   6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

   7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

   8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

   9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

  10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

-George Carlin

(Thanx to LadyPoetess for bringing the full article to my attention.)

News on my Grandmother — My Dad writes:

The other day we found Mom in Bed without Oxygen or IV. The oxygen was
on the floor-we had them replace it with a new tube, install the IV and
wraop her arm with a bandage to keep her from pulling it out.  Judy has
found her with Honey-water which she is not supposed to have (Nothing
by mouth)

Dr. Hardin said that Monday they will try to
reintroduce some food by mouth. She has been off of food because it was
going into her lungs instead of the stomach.

You see we are both needed just to keep an eye on these people to make sure that they do things that the Dr. has ordered.

Looks very much like we have to put her on Hospice Care probably after
Monday. She is still too weak to do much walking–about 15 ft at the
most and then back to bed. Today, however, we got the Hairdreasser to
shampoo and set her hair for her. It made her feel much better altho I
couldn’t really see where it helped all that much. It did boost her
spirits and that was important.

=====

I have had a major change in fortune, including a quite likely good relationship.  No details, don’t want to jinx it.  But it means moving a long way from Asheville.  If you’re one of my close friends (i.e., regulars, like Irish, Spiky, etc., you know who you are), you’re welcome to email me about it.

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Many times we don’t see our own creation; we don’t see our own lies. But sometimes in the reflection of somebody else, we can see our own magnificence. By experiencing the love of another person, we can see how great we are.

(Author unknown)