Monthly Archive: June 2012

Long Weekend

Start of a long weekend. Without pay, of course. Monday and Tuesday my sweet Sunshine has doctor appointments, ordered by SSA for her Disability. Wednesday is Independence Day. Hope we can find something to do.

Oh, North Carolina, you have outlawed global warming. I guess it moved to Tennessee. The all-time high for yesterday WAS 94. It was 102. Could be 104 today. By Sunday it will cool all the way off to only 100 or even 98. The lows are going to be in the 70s.

OK, gotta go find some syncing software for my phone. See ya.

Hugs,
Me

Three strikes you’re … in?

My boss has, on two previous occasions, asked me how I feel about my job. After replying in as positive a manner as it called for, she then proceeded to tear me down and criticize me for things I had no way of knowing with the amount of training she, er, hasn’t given me.

So yesterday, when she presented with a document to fill out and review later in the day with her about how I liked my job and what I felt about professionalism and team-building, I just about had a panic attack. So I told her what I thought — including asking HER whether she was the one to be leading a team. She then sprung another attack on me, by asking to collect the paper (it turned into a demand, to which I capitulated with much obvious fear) hours before the review.

I then got to sit through overhearing her review this same (I assume) document with the other new hire, Joyce, and hear Joyce express her fear that she was fired. So I was not the only one.

My boss apparently has figured out that she is not doing this right. While her new methods are the same as her old methods, she is willing to discuss it and look for change. So I still have my job.

She did, however, spring on me that I needed to come to work early today. She was aware that I had not gotten adequate notice, and said to do what I could — but that Tina would be there at 7. So I’m doing my best to get there at 7, a big jump from 8:30 — and a huge jump from the 10:30 or later I used to get OUT OF BED.

Guess I’d better get motoring.

Hugs,
Me

Injected Anger

My honey had another fit of anger last night. Now that might not sound like much, but when she gets REALLY mad, *I* do the screaming. And folks, I am not a screamer. It’s not me. We worked through it again, and she’s really sorry. We can’t figure out where she learned that “not doing something” is “punishing her for ‘x'” or where not understanding her when she changes the language being used for events without telling me means I’m mad at her.

Yesterday, she asked me when I would be able to play. For the past 4 months, this has meant grab my guitar and music and we go somewhere. Yesterday, she informed me AFTER WE WERE IN THE TRUCK AND SHE HAD STARTED IT, that I made the wrong decision. I thought she meant she wanted to go to the river instead of the mountain, our two favorite places, but no, she informed me that what she meant (again, she had already started the truck and was getting angry with me and I had NO CLUE why she was angry) that she wanted to GO TO BED and play… well, the language we had been using these same 4 months for that was “honey time” or “cuddle time”.

I kept trying to de-escalate the situation, and eventually she got what she wanted, but it didn’t stop whatever part of her was powering her anger and well, it was not a good time. But she can inject her anger into my head, but not my heart. I don’t know what I have to do to block these injections, and we haven’t had this for a couple weeks (it used to be almost daily). Really, folks, it is not me. This is not behavior I learned or practice. It’s something she needs to work out.

Nice that I have such a powerful honey. Now if she could channel that power to something other than making me scream…

The good thing is, when it is over, I know it wasn’t directed at me. It wasn’t learned from me, it doesn’t have anything to do with me. But I’m the one with the sore throat.

Addendum: I know now, from thinking about it and talking it over with my honey, that not only was it not my anger but it was not her anger WITH me, so it makes it much easier to forgive and try for solutions.

Hugs,
Me

Litha Report

We had a great time this weekend. Had a few too many periods of very low energy, and a couple times I had to take care of my honey, but, other than the rainstorm Friday night, everything was sooooo much better for her and we both had fun. Sunshine got to see her first Pagan wedding. I skipped Main Ritual but made it to both Opening and Closing as well as Men’s Ritual.

Saturday we went to Voldemart (The Store Which Must Not Be Named) to shop for jeans and pick up some salad stuff for the Gather. My 40s were feeling a little loose. I tried on some 38s and they felt a tad loose, so I made the jump and tried some 36s. Mind you, this time last year my 44s were snug. The 36s fit and I purchased them. Yayyyy me!

Now I have to get my head back into the job. A job which is not very much fun, despite the fact that I can do it much better than I was trained to (and keep getting criticized for not doing things right that I was NEVER trained on). Have to get through this week, and next week I get three unpaid days off, two of them to take Sunshine for her doctor visits for Disability.

Hugs,
Me

Happy Litha

Today after work we throw all our stuff into my sweetie’s pickemup truck and head off to Splendor Hollow for a long weekend. I’m onsite registration coordinator this time, the first time they have asked me to do that, so we get to go early, yayyyy! I have tomorrow off (without pay). So it’s out into the woods with 100 or so of my closest friends… might be 150, don’t know…

Hugs,
Me

Running out of titles

Yesterday was “fun” at work. The one plebe who has been there more than two weeks was out sick, and the boss had to spend time out of the office. This left two people who barely know their asses from their computer keyboards in charge of the office, too often to be comfortable. As usual, I lived through it.

Today is going to be tough. My sweetie didn’t really have a parent, but her grandmother was the next best thing, and she died a year ago today. We have tried everything we can think of to find friends she can spend the day with, to no avail. She’s just going to have to tough it out.

I don’t know whether I’ve been honest with you about her. I believe she is a wonderful woman, and is going to be very strong some day, but in her current condition there are times I feel like I’m running a care facility. I do most of the dishes and cooking, what little cleaning gets done. She wants to, and she tries to, but she hurts too much in too many ways to do much. I’m hanging on partly for who I know she is, what she has been and will be to me, and for the fact that I don’t know of any care facility which can provide half the care I do. It’s a labor of love, and I love her more every day. But it would really help if we could get her on SSDI — then I would not HAVE to work and we could get better housing and take care of each other better. My going to work is a major strain on her, and you’ve already heard me say what a strain it is on me. I try to downplay how much I’m hurting, but you gotta do what you gotta do and I’m doing it. I hope my sweetie doesn’t read this post, it would make her feel worse and today is certainly not the day for that.

So let’s be clear. I’m not her father, substitute or otherwise. I’m not her care provider, although I often provide her care. I *am* her medical POA and we should get a document making it clear that this includes psychiatric POA. I love her with all my heart. None of what I do for her is a chore, although it is often difficult due to her prior “care” or the lack thereof. And I did not seek this situation out — she will tell you to your face, given a face, that she chased me down and all-but-tackled me. She knows a good thing when she sees it — and so do I. Whatever work I’m doing is going to be worth it. And, most of the time, I know what I’m doing.

Like many of my previous posts, this sounds a lot like someone who is trying to lie to himself. It’s not. It just sounds that way. I’ve been through a lot of crap and I’m always sensitive to that, but everything is going to work out and I’ll be fine.

Hugs,
Me

Big changes

My sweetie and I had an awful time this morning. I literally had to lay down the law, she had to let go of all her negatives or she would lose me. She took this beautifully, as she so often does when she sees what she is doing to herself. We went on to have a good rest-of-the-day, including a trip to Sevierville to buy pipe tobacco and go to a Tennessee Smokies game. I really think our worst times are behind us.

The game itself was nice. It was a bit hot, and we wished we had brought baseball caps for the glare, and the team lost (the starting pitcher served up 3 home runs in 5 innings, and even so we only lost 5-3). But no more bad times. Some good discussions on how to let go of things. We are so lucky we found each other.

Hugs,
Me

First paycheck

I got paid yesterday. So much money I don’t think they took out enough taxes, but that’s not my problem yet and if it continues I can always start saving something for the IRS. Not so much money that I don’t know what to do with it all, ha ha.

Still having problems with my honey, but most of it is her broadcasting stuff on the psychic levels that is totally opposed to what she wants on the physical. It often sets me off — my head hurts badly, or I start screaming, neither of which help me do what she wants on the physical plane.

One of my Xanga friends, probably my best friend here, made the mistake of posting a link to her sweetie’s page. I don’t know that she hasn’t been doing that for a long time, but this time I clicked on it. Made a new friend, and he is not what I would have expected. Good job, Amethyst. (By the way, so good to hear your pain is down and you have your Old Self back. Don’t let them give you shit, girl. You know you’re more effective like you really are.)

Hugs,
Me

Breakthrough

My honey is a witch. Yup, you got that right, and most of the people reading this know what I mean — and know the difference between a witch and a Witch.

All those anger spells I’ve been having with her, which were so unlike me… they weren’t me, or at least we can verify that most of them weren’t. The fact that I never said an angry word while screaming my head off at my honey, the fact that I even beat on my face with my fists (never do that, but honey does and I try to stop her)…

It seems to be powered by, or co-existent with, her excess sexual energy. She NEEDS it so badly, and I start being resistant to it to the point of screaming. I know, that sounds like any American male, but I’m not just any American male. The guy who just doesn’t want to have sex would be calling his honey names, usually four-letter ones.

This morning, we both knew she would wake up with excess sexual energy, we have been watching it build. But while she’s waking up, suddenly I’m feeling LEAVE ME ALONE, and when she pushed the issue I start screaming. This went on for a while, with her solution (as always) being, you take care of me first and then I’ll take care of you. No, I needed taking care of, and I was trying my damnedest to not say bad things to my honey, just leave me alone and let me fix this. After a while, she gave up and went to the back bedroom — opposite end of the trailer — and STOPPED BROADCASTING, and I STOPPED HAVING A PROBLEM, like POOF!

My honey has been triggering me on things I don’t get triggered on, or at least haven’t had anyone else trigger me on them for at least 8 years. We talked about it, and she agrees with me. She is broadcasting her fear of losing me for wanting me too much, her self-hatred from years of bad relationships, as well as (in the case of sex) her body’s sexual needs. And I’m just being a happy little receiver and sucking it all up, then doing the only thing I could do with it — blowing up. Now I need to get better at blocking it, and then we won’t have a problem — I can help her learn how to channel that power into more productive things. She should be getting a teacher in a couple weeks, and he can be a part of this.

It’s so hard to think of someone as being as powerful as they are when they are projecting helplessness and need. I’m only beating myself up now for being so stupid it took me three and a half months to figure it out!

I expect to hear from Amethyst on this, but any of you others are welcome to chime in. If your comment is that I’m talking garbage, then you probably need to remove yourself from my subscription list.

Hugs,
Me

First Week

Day One was rough, just getting through the day. But the work is easy, for me — apparently not for the past couple people they’ve had in there. Just filing. Well, hell, I know the alphabet. Apparently that’s getting rarer. I did enough work that they were happy, and asked enough questions that they knew I was doing the job right.

I came home, and my honey was a total broken down mess. I made dinner, washed dishes, vacuumed, and then spent hours trying to get her to stop crying and let her know how much I love her. It was ugly, but was about what I expected. We came up with a list of things for her to do Thursday while I was at work.

Day Two: Thursday. They introduced me to a different part of the filing, and I broke it into two projects (one was more research and associating documents, the other filing documents). Got the first project done. Everyone seem to like me, the boss even gave me a hug toward the end of the day.

I came home, and my honey was smiling. I don’t remember what we did for dinner, I think she had salad and nope I don’t really remember what I did. She was doing a lot better, but we also had been texting through the day (a lot more than we did Wednesday). So we thought things were much , much better and I was proud of her. Then she fell apart, and we had the whole thing to talk about and do over.

Day Three was pretty much the same, except my honey had a lot fewer things on her To Do list. She spent part of the day looking for support groups, which will help when she connects with one or a few and likes them.

The biggest part of the problem is that some part of her thinks I took the job to get away from her, and I’m being treated like I abandoned her all day. There is some improvement, but you can’t fix such a deep-rooted feeling in a few days. I know we have a lot of work ahead of us, and, as she has with all the problems we’ve had, my honey will do her share of the work. Sometimes I am made to feel that she holds me responsible for her feelings 24/7/365. Sometimes she performs wonderfully well and I can only be bursting with pride.

The truth of the matter is, we don’t have enough money to live on. She has some inheritance from her grandmother which is helping, but I feel awful spending her inheritance, so I got the job. We have applied for Disability for her, and the application is currently in the hands of a Disability Specialist in Nashville, with a few papers yet to come in from treatment centers or hospitals. It could get ruled on as early as next week or the week after, or they could order her some doctor visits for verification — and the truth is, the system is established to deny over half the applicants. I don’t know how her case looks on paper, but if they spent 24 hours with her (not 15 minutes) they would have more than enough information to make a positive decision.

But if she does get her Disability, will I want to quit the job? I don’t know. The job gives her the time she needs to get to know herself and work on herself, and it’s doing wonders for my self-esteem. Even though it’s very hard for me to get up regularly very early and put in 8 hours (including travel time) 5 days per week (and, remember, I haven’t put in a full week yet, so this is a preliminary assessment), it has been over 15 years since someone has trusted me to do a regular job, and this one looks like one I could do better than anyone else.

Still some questions on the table, but it’s still very early. I hope my honey realizes I love her, down to her very bones and glands. I know it’s true.

Hugs,
Me