I lay down to take a nap with my little girl, Wraithe (age 7). While we were dozing off, I told her, “I sometimes don’t know how to be the man I want to be.” My little angel said in a clear voice, “I know who you are. And I can help you.” Then, after a pause, she continued in her little girl voice (different from before), “…as much as I can.”
Monthly Archive: April 2013
I got the job! I go in on Monday to fill out the New Hire paperwork, then start two weeks of training on May 6th. I have to score 80+% on ALL modules to get placed in a working position.
And I just heard from Randy Hoffman. He and a group of others are paying my way to Confluence as a Special Filk Guest. Hotel room and conference fees are paid, plus up to $125 for travel and $35 for meals. I’m in heaven — I’ll get to showcase my music, including a concert and filk room events, and might even have the CD out in time for that! (might be pushing it, but it’s possible)
Spent the last week weedwhacking and gardening. I love working with my honey. Most of the time she loves me working with her… sometimes she gets the idea I’m just trying to be in her face and feels crowded, and I have no idea when those times are — today we had both, and I still can’t really see the difference. Maybe she’s stressed out over something, and the gardening helps with the stress? (the bad time happened in the hour BEFORE gardening)
Still have not found any help or support for my Asperger’s except for a couple people online, but I found two more email addresses to write to in Knoxville and wrote to them yesterday. Hope they get back to me.
No word on the job yet, but I know they have been calling my references. It seems the roadblock is going to be that they want to verify my experience with Asheville Homeless Network, and they do not currently have a phone number.
I’m still saying things “wrong” and don’t know why or what.
I’m having a mild allergy attack — this happens when you get a new weedeater and spend three days weed-wacking the yard plus more digging, weeding and planting on the third day. I’ll be fine. Nothing a doctor could do for me — the best that could happen would be a referral to an allergist, which would take weeks and I’d be fine long before then. Had a great time getting this way. The yard is going to be stunning when everything comes in.
I emailed a resume to a company Monday. TWO different staff members asked me to come in and fill out an application on Tuesday. I did so. It was LONG, about 14 pages, with questions I’ve never seen but which were very crucial to the job. They set me up for an interview on Thursday (today). I went. I had my interview. They ran frantically around the office trying to find a manager to do my SECOND interview on the spot. After that, they took me down the hall for the drug test. All passed with flying colors. They offered me $9 per hour to start, about $1 more per hour than usual. I have to wait for them to complete the background check though, which they said would take a week to a week-and-a-half. After which, I start (PAID) training. There’s a 90 day probation period. If they continue to put me in places where I can excel, and they seem to have a lot of those, I should have this job for quite a while… again, if I pass the background check, and I can’t think of a reason why I shouldn’t.
The position is direct care of handicapped people. They will likely keep me with the high-functioning ones, as I can help those better than almost anyone.
The irony is that the company is based in Asheville.
I figured out why I am so scared in this relationship, so fragile in the evenings (two different insights).
First, this relationship offers me EVERYTHING I ever wanted — a beautiful, intelligent, sensual High Priestess who is attracted to me and trusts me, a beautiful little girl who also trusts and loves me, a house that feels like Home, and all the loving animals who inhabit and surround the place, as well as mostly clearly-defined duties and ways I can make them feel spoiled while not (often) stretching beyond my capabilities. THE WORLD WOULD END IF I LOST THIS. That’s only slightly more dramatic than it actually is.
And I’ve been taking my responsibilities so seriously that I am not getting as much sleep as others in the household. I never was good for much at night when sleepy — either cranky or whiny, leaning toward the latter.
So I told my love of this, and will try to dial down the urgency and just live the life.
I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY FAMILY AND THE GODDESS WHO SHOVED ME AT THEM.
Here is the final list of songs selected for the CD (order to be determined):
A Boy and His Dog (original lyrics, based on “A Boy and His Frog” by T. Smith)
All the Diamonds In the World (B. Cockburn)
All the Love In the World (original)
Blood Love (original)
Dancing At Whitsun (J. Martin/Traditional)
Dolphin Story (C. Schmidt)
Every Day of the Year (original)
Fifty Years Ago (original)
Harris and the Mare (S. Rogers)
Just One Angel (A. Ratshin)
The Last Wolf (original)
Mother Forgive Them (original)
Now It’s My Turn (original)
Raven and Crow (original)
The Road to Cairo (D. Ackles)
Scale (C. Faber)
When Giants Walked (K. Mar)
In addition, there are 35 “rough cuts” (a few first drafts did not need polishing to include on the final CD, there are 37 songs total). Anyone who has donated $50 will get all of them.
Songs not selected for CD:
All Kinds of Kinds (D. Henry)
All That Is (G. Rogers)
Carry Me, Carrie (S. Silverstein)
Cassiopeia (S. Stajich)
First Christmas (S. Rogers
Ghost (A. Ray, E. Saliers)
Hands of God (J. Ecklar)
Hard Love (B. Franke)
Hoof and Horn (original lyrics, tune G. Bok)
Links on the Chain (P. Ochs)
Lullaby for a Weary World (T. Burnside-Clapp)
Mary Ellen-or Rigby (original lyrics, S. Rogers tune))
Safe in the Harbour (E. Bogle)
Sweet Dr. Jane (original lyrics, J. Taylor tune)
The House of Orange (S. Rogers)
The Living In Me (C. Rosser)
The Moment Slipped Away (C. Lavin)
The Word of God (C. Faber)
Tiny Fish for Japan (S. Rogers)
You Were Loved (M. Weissman/J. Lloyd)
OK, I thought I had 5 more songs than that… I’ll do some checking. I know I have more tracks, where I have the rough cut and the polished track, in one case two polished tracks (I didn’t like the first try).
My CD is finished… recording. I still need the money to press the CD. Some people are contacting me for MP3s… If you would like a CD, send $10 to me through PayPal, using firstname.lastname@example.org as the recipient. If you would like a CD and your choice of 5 songs which did not make the final cut, send $20. And if you want the CD and everything else that got recorded (42 songs total, plus another good try on a song which otherwise got completed), please send $50. I need around $300 to get the CD cut.
The last two nights I have told my Jevim that I am so lucky to have found her. She has responded with different ways to tell me that she, or they (her and Wraithe), are the lucky ones. That is the proof of good luck, when everyone feels they have the best end of the deal.
I think I’ve mention that I read to our daughter every night at bedtime. (Well, there have been a few lapses in the “every night” but nothing of consequence, and she always makes me make up for it later.) Before I started doing this, she was having trouble sleeping in her bed at night. We would find her sleeping on the living room floor, in Amy’s room, in the loveseat… Since the reading has been going on, she sleeps in her own bed, goes to sleep quickly, and it is difficult to wake her up in the morning LOL.
I don’t know if I mentioned here that the basement sump pump died. In fact, the second or third backup died; we were using a backup when I moved in, and it died, and we found another submersible pump in the bottom of the sump. I took the original to a pump place, and found that it was cheaper to replace it (with a better pump). I didn’t have the money two days ago, bought the pump yesterday… and discovered trying to install it that the outlet was designed for a 2″ pipe, where the guy at the pump place knew that we had a 1-1/2″ pipe. So I have to go back this morning and either get an adapter or get a different adapter and we can use the hose that we were using on the backup submersible sump pump.
I couldn’t have done it at all without my mother, who gave us a substantial amount of money to help. We didn’t get done fixing things, but it helped. After I get the sump pump installed, we still have to fix the hot water heater… and getting that done will cut our electric bill substantially, since we are taking baths by heating water on the stove. Sort of like camping out, but with better shelter.
I think I mentioned my autism test. I’m not sure the test is scored correctly — it seems to use no point system for whether a statement slightly applies to you or fully applies to you, or slightly does not apply or fully does not apply. Nonetheless, I took the test again and got a 38, an even higher score. I’m not sure whether I was more honest or that I merely understood better the responses they wanted.
But I remembered some things about my early childhood, mostly from stories I was told, and put 2 and 2 together for the first time. I had remembered these stories, just did not connect them.
One story I was told a lot by my mother and brother was that I didn’t talk at all until I was nearly 3 years old. (I apparently was happy so they didn’t care so much, and after I started talking I was constantly crying and sad, but that is another story which I have already connected.)
Another story is that I was reading before I turned 4 years old. Confirmed by a story which I partially remember, saying that when I was 4-1/2, I would sit on the back of the couch and make my mother read the newspaper to me — and correct every word she read wrong. (When I was in 1st Grade everyone was still describing pictures in books, and I was reading at a 4th-grade level — and doing 2nd Grade math homework, from the teacher who had my brother the year before, and getting the highest marks in her class.)
Here’s the autism connection in all this: First, not talking until so late; second, how many children are reading within a year of starting to talk? I remember reading words by syllables and sounds, not individual letters (maybe I had an Egyptian life in there after all, LOL).
Guess that’s enough for now.
While self-diagnosis can be a very bad thing, I have suspected for decades that I had some form of autism, and a few years ago some people from a local Asperger’s Syndrome support group recognized it too and invited me to their group (I never went, sadly). Well, I found a test online, and scored pretty high on it — on a 50-question test with 4 levels of answer, and a score of 33 meaning that you had an 80% chance of an autistic disorder, I scored 34 last night … and 38 this morning. (I re-took the test at a second site, but it was the same test.)
Autism is the “missing puzzle piece” syndrome. Everybody says you are just not getting it, or you’re being too literal… here’s a quote from the website: “Autism and Asperger syndrome are similar in terms of their inability to create and maintain social relationships. The verbal expression of an individual with autism might be limited or even non-existent although certain characteristics can also be observed by individuals with Asperger syndrome. Despite their developed vocabulary and normal intelligence they are unable to socialize in an acceptable manner. Their speech is overly formal and/ or too literal. During interactions with peers their behavior is deemed socially and emotionally inappropriate; this is also true for individuals with autism. They possess similar traits in their inability to understand nonverbal signs and gestures.” (http://www.aspergerstestsite.com/906/autism-aspergers/#.UVmZ2n4uc6o)
I really think I have been doing well, but always NOT WELL ENOUGH. I have used my decent intelligence to logic my way through things, but always felt like I was on a different planet, not the one that was Home.
I am blessed that my Lady is wanting to understand, and has promised we will get through it together. I have far too much going for me for this to put me back again.