Well, here we are... life has continued in its own downward spiral, with hardly a ripple due to the turning of the new year. All my hopes that the changing of the year would effect some sort of real change in the world have come to naught. People are still as self-centered and callous as they were a month ago. I suppose it was all just a dream, thinking that folks might actually wake up and realize what they are doing to each other and to the planet that supports us. Therefore, I suppose I must go through with this Presidential Campain thing -- slog through the muck and the slime and the empty words of my fellow candidates -- and create change from the top down.
My running mate -- Ms. Phee Lign -- and I have been hunkered down with our hammers and nails and have begun to build our platform. And let me tell you, it ain't easy hammering when you have no opposable thumb. Dewclaws don't even come close.
Nevertheless, we have come up with the following...
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.
"That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.
"That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."
We hope that, as you were reading the previous, you were struck with a familiarity for the words. We further hope that these ideals will resonate within your soul and awaken you to the oppressions and violations of rights that are rampant, not only in the United States, but in the entire world. For what the Phee/Phy ticket proposes and advocates is nothing less than a total revamping of the outlook of humanity. We will strive to break down all borders between people -- ethnic, financial, and geographical. The world has become very small, and the time for small-mindedness and shortsightedness is over.
Our party recognizes no limitations for membership, we have no fees and no written by-laws. Our rules are all common sense. We accept no financial donations, but volunteer labor, kibble, and litter are always accepted. We will listen patiently to any private citizen, but a warning to any corporate or lobby individual -- we have claws and teeth and we will not hesitate to use them.
Our platform includes not only the gleefully plagiarized above quotation, but also such diverse sources as the Koran, the Bible, the Rig Veda, and centuries of observations by such illustrious folk as Mark Twain, Confucius, C.S. Lewis, Seneca, Aristophanes and Jerry Garcia. And if you think any of these lack redeeming qualities, you have been too caught up in propaganda and misinterpretation. Remember, even the Christ, to whom most Westerners pay at least lip service, was considered an outcast by his people.
The world is overpopulated and over-capitalized. It is time for everyone to realize there is absolutely no difference between Bill Gates and the fourth daughter of a Nepalese goat-herd. We all share the same planet and we need to think long and hard about protecting what we have left of it. Greed and avarice, if I am elected, will become Public Enemy Number One.
[Direct all comments to Phydeaux at Rapid River, 70 Woodfin Place, Suite 212, Asheville, NC 28801, or email firstname.lastname@example.org.]