Somewhere on the campaign trail...
This article comes to you from my mobile campaign HQ, a 1972 Volkswagen Microbus. My staffers have hacked into the communications network to ensure that this message arrives, unaltered, at the offices of Rapid River. For security concerns, I cannot reveal my exact location.
The last few weeks have been difficult, to say the least. I can't remember the last time I slept in an actual bed, and my entire staff has been surviving on convenience store hot dogs and by dumpster diving. Why is this, you may well ask?
The truth of the matter is this: the Democrats and Republicans have teamed together to hire a hit squad to take me out. It all started in Seattle a few months ago. I was speaking at a rally Downtown, entrancing thousands of young voters, when suddenly the police showed up and started tear gassing and arresting everyone. It was a horrible situation. My aides barely managed to get me to safety. But did you see any of this on the news? No, what you saw was some media concoction of anti-World Bank protestations. That was my first clue that I was on a hit list.
More recently, I have been campaigning extensively in Miami. Have you seen any news coverage of this? No! the powers that be, in order to subvert my radical ideas, have invented a news story to explain all of the rallies and meetings that my campaign has held in and around Miami. This is, I hope, fairly obvious. You don't seriously believe that an entire country, one that is awash in social and economic decay, can truly care so much about one six-year old Cuban boy? It seems quite evident that the press have bought into (or been bought by) the mainstream politicos. Since they cannot refute my statements and ideas, they have contrived to bury them under an onslaught of overblown coverage of the trials and tribulations of "little Elian".
In an attempt to get away from all this bogus coverage in Miami, my staff bundled me off to Washington, DC late last week, thinking that the last place reporters would be during a campaign year would be in Washington. Not so, faithful reader. Less than twelve hours after my arrival, the establishment sallied forth with several thousand hired thugs, not to mention the Washington, DC police (with special help from the Seattle police - after all, they had already tried once to get me, and could keep the DC cops from repeating earlier mistakes), in a vain attempt to silence me. Once again, corporate media used the flimsy excuse that the thugs were, in actuality, more protesters against the World Bank and the IMF. Sure they were. And I am actually a human being, pretending to be a dog and running for President as a joke. See how ridiculous an idea that is?
The upshot of this is that I have had to move my campaign underground, even more so. Over the next few weeks, I will be appearing incognito in several television advertisements. So the next time you see the Taco Bell chihuahua or the Pets.Com "sock puppet", listen closely to what I - I mean, he - has to say. It could make all the difference between creating a new society and anarchy.
[Direct all comments to Phydeaux at Rapid River, 70 Woodfin Place, Suite 212, Asheville, NC 28801, or email firstname.lastname@example.org.]