Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: “Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.'”


Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say “I don’t know.” It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they’re voting “I don’t know.” Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) “I DON’T KNOW!” (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, I’m not in the mood.”


Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who would that be? Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?


Andy Rooney On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘How can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.


Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. 


Laughter and Hugs,
Me

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