Swami’s Swing State Swing
by Swami Beyondananda
It’s no secret. Bush-bashing has become the rage. And judging by the New Yorkers’ rage at the Republican convention, Americans are becoming less bashful about bashing Bush. But now political scientists are telling us that Bush-bashing — or any other kind of bashing for that matter — can cause a lot of wear and tear on the body politic.
Now here comes political guru and uncommontator Swami Beyondananda determined to “put an end to Bush-bashing once and for all.”
The Swami, who is the author of Swami for Precedent: A 7-Step Plan to Heal the Body Politic and Cure Electile Dysfunction, and founder of the Right-to-Laugh Party, believes the best way to end Bush-bashing is to get right to the source — President Bush himself. “If there is no Bush to bash,” Swami reasons, “there will be no more Bush bashing.”
Consequently, Swami has launched a two-step program to do just that:
- Step One. De-elect the misleader.
- Step Two. Become the leaders we’ve been missing.
We caught up with Swami just as he was ready to embark on his “swing state swing” as part of his campaign for a new “precedent.”
Natural Enquirer: So you’re touring the swing states?
Swami: Yes, and I’m going one better. I’m not just touring the swing states. I’m visiting the polka states as well. I mean, why leave out Pennsylvania? Or Ohio?
Natural Enquirer: And you’re campaigning for a new “precedent?”
Swami: Yes, because if we the people choose a new precedent, a new President will surely follow. So here is a precedent we can all vote for: Government of the people, by the people, for the people where the government does our bidding, not the bidding of the highest bidder.
Natural Enquirer: OK, but what does this have to do with putting an end to Bush-bashing?
Swami: Well, let’s face it. George Bush has become an enlightening rod to awaken millions of Americans concerned with holistic issues, who have realized – if can I be blunt here – that it’s hard to live a holistic life in an assaholistic system. President Bush has indeed been the great uniter, with 75% of the world’s population now united against him.
Here in this country many, many people have declared they will no longer stand for George Bush de-constituting the Constitution while his Banana Republicans turn this country into a banana republic. Which explains all the Bush-bashing. But along with taking a stand on what we won’t stand for, we must stand up for what we do stand for. As I’ve said before, we need more forums and fewer againstums. So it’s time to stop beating around the Bush, and ask ourselves that all-important question, what great things would we be doing if there were no Bush to bash?
Natural Enquirer: Are you campaigning for a specific candidate?
Swami: Well, part of choosing a new precedent is electing ourselves. Hey, George Bush did it, so why not us? I don’t know how many physics majors are reading this, but take Isaac Newton’s word for it. In order to change direction, you must first stop the momentum going in the direction you don’t want to go. So we must elect ourselves to stop the current misleadership taking us fool speed ahead the wrong way down the wrong road. And that is why the Right to Laugh Party is throwing its weight behind John Kerry this year. Of course, it’s not much weight. Because we tend to gravitate toward levity, we’re definitely lightweights. But maybe it takes comedy for people to see there’s something funny going on.
Natural Enquirer: But still — do you think the Democrats deserve our support? Shouldn’t progressives — as Ralph Nader suggests — stand together to teach the Democrats a lesson?
Swami: I think we have to get our lesson plans sequenced right. Remember Lincoln’s speech about government of the people, by the people, for the people not perishing from this earth? Well, I’ve got news for you. It’s on life support. So let’s breathe some life into the body politic by teaching the Republicans a lesson first.
First things first. Voting for Nader to knock off the Democrats, well it reminds me of the Aggie joke I heard at Baba Q’s ashram in Texas when I was working as a sacred cowpoke. An Aggie returns home unexpectedly and finds his wife in bed with his best friend. The husband pulls out a gun, and puts it to his own head. The wife and friend burst out laughing, and the husband says, “What are you laughing at? You’re next!” For some reason, the Aggie husband reminds me of the Naderites. So, progressives, let’s not shoot ourselves in the foot this election. And for goodness sakes, let’s not shoot ourselves in the head!
Natural Enquirer: One more question, Swami. The campaign has gotten intense recently involving the candidates’ military service during the Vietnam War. What is your take on that?
Swami: Well, if you’re going to fight about anything, what better to fight about than war? And since we do have a war President, now that victory has been declared in Iraq, he’s looking for the next logical target. So the Not-So-Swift-Boat Veterans have launched a pre-emptive strike to torpedo the Kerry campaign. Military observers see this as a diversionary tactic to cover up President Bush’s own tracks – or in his case, lack of tracks. Because one look at his military record and it becomes clear – the record skipped. There is evidence that young George Bush shirked the light duty he was given to avoid the heavy-duty duty, and we can officially classify him as “Missing in Inaction.”
Natural Enquirer: Well, there are those who would say the President is serving America now.
Swami: And he is. He is serving America up on a silver platter to the likes of Halliburton, the energy companies, and the drug companies. On the other hand, he is definitely not serving those who served – and who are currently serving. He’s lowered health benefits for middle-class veterans, and soldiers in Iraq have to have armor sent from home (that’s “armor,” not “Armour” – they seem to have been given an abundance of canned meat).
Natural Enquirer: Do you think, with all these attacks back and forth, has it had any affect on the character issue?
Swami: Here is the character issue in a nutshell. It takes character — and courage — to stand up for your country. It takes even more character and courage to stand up TO your country when your country is wrong. As a young man, John Kerry did both. George Bush did neither. I think that characterizes the character conversation pretty well.
© Copyright 2004 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved