Your Alcoholic Horoscope

ARIES:  Impulsive Aries people like to  party and sometimes
don’t know when to call it a  night. Their competitive streak
makes them prone  to closing-time shot contests. They’re
sloppy,  fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a 
couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a  good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods
fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that
whatever happened should be forgiven by sunrise. They can be counted on
to do the same for you — so long as you haven’t gone and done anything
really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a
mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated
Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop
inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to
employers, the preference for wining and dining to body shots and
barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that
the Bull is by any means a teetotaler — god, no. A squiffy Taurus will
get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is
extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI: Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much —
they’re so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it’s just
hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you conversing with finesse and
allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of
intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic
ability to flirt successfully with several people at once. They like to
order different  cocktails every round — repetition is boring —
and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and
limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER: Cancer is a comfort drinker — and an extra wine with dinner or
an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can’t it, Cancer
darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard
against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties
and insinuating themselves on VIP lists — and, in true Hollywood
style,  Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get “tired
and emotional” (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing
better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red
wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will
do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you’d be adored if you
served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO: Leo likes to drink and dance — they’re often fabulous dancers,
and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding
dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they’re quite aware they’re
darling – Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their
limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get
over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue — and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But
Leo’s not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to
ignore it and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to
you the  next day.

VIRGO: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender.
Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than
other signs, sure  — but it could also lead to drinking booze
neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They
rarely get fully shellacked — but, oh, when they do! Virgo’s
controlled by the intellect, but there’s an unbridled beast lurking
within, and they let it loose when walloped. It’s  dead sexy. As
one Virgo friend used to declare, “I’m going to drink myself into a low
level of intelligence tonight.” A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA: “I’m just a social drinker,” slurs Libra, “it’s just that I’m so
damn social!” Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate
to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend
device set to “on”) or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little
instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. 
Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control,
however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble – including
wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting
with every man/woman in the room or even blacking out the night’s
events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO: Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for they’ll smirk
at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re
hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink,
and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the
sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a
personality-altering tool — though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps
seek total obliteration. But  generally, they’re fascinating
drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They
also remember everything — especially what you did when you were
blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS: In vino veritas — and, for Sagittarius, in booze
blurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of
their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink
with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect
from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna
Nicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room,
then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a
nightclub, or a playground, or  Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are
sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping;
spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
money-hungry and status-thirsty — no wonder they get left off the
astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie
and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true
rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too
eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you
to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they’re either totally on or
totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to
loosen up and enjoy  the after party, especially if they can hook
up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well (except for
water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism,
and if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a
stain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing,
however, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative —
and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately,
they’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best
designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their
wrist). Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding
interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES: If you’re a Pisces, you’ve probably already heard that you
share a sign and an addictive personality — with Liz Taylor, Liza
Minelli and Kurt Cobain.  Not only do Pisces like to lose
themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give,
but they build up a mighty tolerance fast.  Who needs an expensive
date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting
partners, whether in conversation or in crime.  With the right
Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up
in bed together for days. The phrase “addictive personality” can be
read two ways, you know.

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