Monthly Archive: October 2006

Happy Samhain. 

I’m really feeling shaky today.  Had a few conversations with friends, some better than others but mostly clarifying…  I need to get out and put up fliers for the convention, it’s only a couple weekends off now… have a meeting of the organizing committee in less than 2 hours.  I haven’t been walking as much, and my physical therapy stretches have been few and far between but at least I’m doing them SOMETIMES now… trying to get to where I’m comfortable taking care of myself again.

I’ve started a class online called “Loving Ganesa”.  Lord Ganesha has been my constant companion through the past year at least, maybe two.  Finally I’m taking Him seriously and am going to learn about him, things beyond what is in my heart and limited knowledge.  Many thanks to Devi for putting this (and many others) class together.

I actually spent time today remembering every woman I have been with.  There really aren’t that many, I knew guys in High School who had more women before they got out of school than I have had in my life.  I haven’t run out of toes yet… in 1988 I was finishing up my first hand… counting the one-nighters, especially since none of them were intended as such, I’m not that kind of guy…


Had a difficult day today… the Asheville Radical Mental Health Collective sponsored a Playback Theatre performance, based on the fact that the local service provider has gone out of business and we need to replace it with SOMETHING… this gave a lot of us a chance to get the topics in the open air, but it set me off… I just sat there, trying not to cause a ruckus or demand attention.  Afterwards Jayne had me over at her place, and I had to tell her that there was nothing she could do for me…  later on the phone I got to help Pam and Beth… Beth almost had me convinced we should be back together (it’s been way over 15 years)… but I don’t think that would be good for me either.

If I were to make a decision today, I would be moving to Indiana.  To have a chance to teach, not for a relationship.  But I don’t need to make a decision in my current state, so I’ll sit here until I feel I’m sane enough to do so, which could take as much as 2 years.

I also got to read to Frankie on the phone.  We only have 6 more (short) chapters left in the first book of Garrett, P.I. by Glen Cook.  She has really gotten interested in it, only took about 5 chapters to get there.  I love reading aloud, and wish I could be in the same room with to whom I am reading.

I think I’m regaining my balance.  Just a few months ago, it seemed I was walking the Great Wall, now it’s a thin wire, but it’s still a balance.


Last night  Lenny and Kelly had me over for dinner and a movie.  It was pretty good… even if it was beef… my objection to eating mammals is an ethical and spiritual one, not a religous issue… and it is also within my ethics to accept what others wish to give me honestly.

I went to the Homeless Network meeting.  Lots of things were said, either TO hurt me or just THAT hurt me, and then Ice thought I should join in the Support Group part of the meeting.  I gathered my coat and backpack and said, “There’s no support for me here,” and left.  I was surprised that Carol left with me, and Mark never even entered the meeting.  (Maybe he did after I left, I don’t know.)

I talked to Kayla last night.  She said once again that “you deserve better than that”… hard to swallow, when she is one of the ones I was not “good enough” for.  But she’s trying to be a friend, and I appreciate that.  Prayers are needed for her baby, he is not breathing well and is congested.  The doctors actually gave him his own nebulizer, he’s less than 3 months old.

Indiana looks better all the time.


I wanted to say that I have mostly recovered from the problems of last night, and blame Caroline for most of the repair.  Every time even her voice touches me I feel better, although she is not “competing for me” — I only hear from her every few months, she’s just the beautiful butterfly who flits in and out of my life and makes things better for the short time we are in touch.  She called me tonight, and said all the same things my other friends were saying, but said them enough differently that I listened and could use them.  Thank you, Princess.

I neglected to mention that the head of my spiritual Family came for a visit a few nights ago, and she said that I was doing better than anyone could expect, and that the hospital would not be a good place for me.  This means something, as she is a psych R.N. at the local hospital mental wing.  There was a lot of good in that conversation, which should remain private.

I talked with V. tonight.  We’re still feeling each other out, and it will be worth it to take all the time it takes to determine if a relationship is the direction we should take.  It is possible we may find other values for each other, or not anything… but we are taking the time.  If I can stick to my guns, no decision will be made until August of ’08… and even then it should remain a tentative decision.

Got a nice supportive email from Kayla about my current situation.  I’m glad that the people who find they cannot live with me still understand that I love them, and they love me enough to write and offer support.


Last night, Ice begged me to let her spend the night on my couch.  She asked for all four of them.  I said no.  A half hour later I folded and called her back, but told her that only she and Andy were welcome.  She got here, and for whatever reason I started crying (literally wailing) again.  I finally got to sleep around 10, which is quite early for me, but I only slept until a little after 8 am (which is WAY early for me).  I went to church to talk to my student.  I didn’t sit around crying like last week, but neither was a strong enough to go into the service itself and a smile was miles from my face.  I’ve been sitting around today feeling wiped out and in some physical pain… but Ice already ate the whole bottle of 500 ibuprofen tabliets I bought the first of the month, so I just have to suffer.  I’ve had a couple friends check up on me; I’m sure I wasn’t much fun to talk to.  Hope I’m better tomorrow.  I see my therapist tomorrow, just in time.

No new dreams — I neither sleep late enough nor feel safe enough to dream while Ice is here.


More dreams

October 20, 2006

I was in the hospital with my wife (early 40s both of us, she was white and so thin to be almost skeletal) who had just given birth (boy? girl?).  During the birth the doctor said something about being worried about me, first my high blood pressure and then tried to whisper to the nurse something about Klonopin, which of course set me off. 

We had been in there over a day and were getting worried because they had not brought us the baby.  My wife’s milk was not coming in.  There were some interesting discussions about that, along with some things done to her breasts that would have hurt ME to watch if it was real. 

They had us in the same hospital bed together.  The doctor came in with a pill for me, nd I asked him what it was.  He said something about acid, and they were going to do some study on my blood pressure.  I was so paranoid I asked if they had a PDR around so I could look it up.  He handed me the phone and called the hospital library.  A recording answered saying that the librarian would be out for two days.  I grudgingly decided the doctor was telling the truth or he wouldn’t have had me call the library (although he could have known the librarian was out, I thought after waking up), went to take the pill, and dropped it on the floor, where it was never found.  A few hours later they came with another of the same pill, I took it and they moved me to a table across the room, where they did something like take xrays and said they’d have the results later.  That’s all I remember.

Octoer 21, 2006

I was going back to college.  My mind said it was Sterling, where I went two years, but it wasn’t.  There was a traffic jam, and I was on foot, we got redirected by officer to a passenger traffic ramp (!) that took us to a part of the campus we hadn’t seen.  It was not only beautiful but a shortcut like we didn’t know existed – except one of my “friends” who said he knew about it all along and even knew a better one.  When we walked into campus, the President was giving a lecture on a high podium in the open, center of campus?, and down below him (between the podium and the students) was a huge mass of small monkeys.  They started getting very noisy, and the President asked for someone to quiet them so he could continue speaking.  All the monkeys started having various kinds of sex, which quieted them at least verbally, and he continued his speech as if he was unaware of why they were quiet.

I walked around campus.  I found an auditorium, which somehow was open to the place the President was speaking, and there were three cheaply-made grand pianos on an upper balcony (which I could not try without being heard outside)… the next room had a large concert harp, again I didn’t play it.  Then I went down a stairway and found a group of children as if it was a day care center, one of them tried showing me some toys based on a current kids’ TV show, which I had never heard of and commented on.

I kept walking and found an area with lots of cages.  There were many kinds of animals in the cages.  Then I saw that one stack of cages, each of which was about 10’x10’x2.5′ HEIGHT, contained some black women (they looked native African), and I was shocked.  I walked up to one of the cages and nonchalantly talked to one of the two women in it, and she spoke English (said her name was Mbeke Ndele, if I rememer correctly).  I mentioned that thing about the monkeys to her… she said that she would like to do that with me if we were in adjacent cages… and we both said together, “No, then your rent would go up,” and laughed.  I don’t know why I didn’t try to open the cages, probably felt I did not have enough information or authority.  I went to a meeting that included the President, and was told they were for research, and got almost violent about them being caged.  I moved around campus (didn’t run, but didn’t dawdle either) and found a group of black American students and told them about it.  Nobody even moved.  I yelled at them, I was hoping someone would be angry about it and go with me to free them.  Then one young man said, “I’m angry!” and after that a few more did, and we went off to find the cages.  While we were going there, I saw an image in my head of an important paper to be written by Mbeke.

When we got there, the other woman in Mbeke’s cage was very sick, almost dead.  Everyone was gotten out except her; we weren’t sure we knew what to do with a sick person.  For some reason I did not claim Mbeke or anyone else; the other students got them away from there except for the sick one.  I hung around laying on top of the cages (why?) and someone who was partly responsible for them being there came and yelled/asked me where the people were.  I said I didn’t know, nonchalantly, and then yelled, “Why the hell did you have people caged up?”  He didn’t have an answer, and then saw the sick woman, and told me, “What if she has something we don’t know about?” and tried to make me feel guilty for possibly releasing such a disease.  I did not accept the guilt trip.  I don’t remember much after that.


All three of these last dreams were very much clearer than I usually have, with more viewable details and more remembered.  I can get some meanings from them but they don’t wholly make sense… not that dreams usually do, but my dreams rarely are this clear.  And this last one was the first time I got a name from someone.


This is only a dream…. snif…

October 11, 2006

I had moved back home after a terrible life.  My parents had moved in with a widow who I knew as a kid, who had a daughter my age (which appeared to be late teens-early 20s but there was a lot of preteen stuff going on).  I rememered that the daughter had tried to spend time with me when I was younger, and started to talk to her, but all I could do was cry.  Then I started remembering the things we had done together, and what she was wearing at the time, and we started laughing.  I got about the same response from her mother, and her mother got mad at my parents and scheduled a weekend with them, supposedly to “get away from the kids” but she was going to give them what for and stick up for me.  Everything was going to be wonderful.  I asked the girl if she would marry me, if we could just be together for a year before telling or showing anybody and then be engaged for another year.  It sounded like a good idea.  We went back to being friends, there was a lot of kid play and fun.  When our parents went away, a neighbor stayed with us to make sure we’d be OK, and he had a friend whose place we went over to.  More talk, more tears, more laughter, more play.  So much fun that the friend turned into Arnold Schwarzennegger, he started talking German to his friend to keep something secret from us and I used my German to tell him he couldn’t, with more laughter following.  All the tears were cleansing, all the hurts were heard, all the laughter was real, and all the love was real like kids want, not a front for something else.  I couldn’t have had a better dream right now.

The sad part is that I do not remember such a woman or girl, so it can’t come true.  Something I haven’t mentioned to other groups I posted this — the girl was tall, thin, and redheaded, and FEMININE, certainly not my usual type…

And I’m afraid the next woman I try to have a relationship with will give me the old “I don’t need another kid to raise,” speech.


I had a reasonably good day, lots of phone calls and emails of support, including a call from Laura and Mom Parks and an email from my daughter Chandra.  Asheville Radical Mental Health Collective was a smallish gathering, but everyone was there for me and I got to cry it all out.

Andarea and Andy left the apartment at around 11 am, they woke me up to lock the door behind them. I have not heard from them since, and they have not come back tonight.  All their stuff is still here.  If they don’t show up tomorrow to get it, I will put it in the closet (I have already cleaned Andarea’s stuff out of my bedroom) and, if not back in a week, out by the dumpster.  I doubt I will have to do that, but I have to set my limits.

Terrie, my “twin sister”, talked to me for the longest time last night.  Lots of good stuff from that.  I have invitations to spend anywhere from 2 to 5 days at many friends’ houses, including Frankie and Aianna and Jayne (Jayne has even offered to stay at my place to make sure I’m OK).  My Mom came through in a pinch, one I would not have had if Andarea had not been here.  I do want to emphasize that Andarea did nothing that was not in her nature to do, and I am not mad at her and forgive her.  I just want my life back.

I have to get up tomorrow and cancel my physical therapy appointment (and make more), go to Salvation Army, call Dr. Clark for an appointment, and get in touch with the management agent for the building next door, which I hope to move into when it opens.

Got to get myself together and get my place back.  Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.


I was about to write that Andarea and Andy never made it back today, with me cowering in fear in my locked bedroomn all day… and they just came in.  I had to let them in, as my landlord changed the lock.  I’ve gotten lots of wonderful support from so many friends and my mother and ex-mother-in-law (Thanks, Mom Parks! Love ya!).  I hope I can sleep tonight, I haven’t been able to nap all day.  Andarea said she had been in the hospital all day, and they confirmed that she had been 4 weeks pregnant with a blood test.  She is not now.  She’s trying to give me the nasty treatment, but I’m not buying.

My friend Lenny got attacked at his apartment building by some of his neighbors for nothing.  With Lenny’s temper, when the cops got there they thought he was the problem, and tasered him and took him to the County Jail.  Kelly called and asked me to meet her at the jail.  I did.  They just set an appearance date and released him to Kelly’s custody. 


I just did the hardest thing in the world for me.  I asked Andarea to leave, and gave her until tomorrow night to be gone.  Of course she guilt-tripped me.  But I stuck to it.  She has lost the pregnancy and is bleeding pretty badly.  But I have been used by her over and over again, and my life has been constant turmoil since she got here, and I am about to break down and need to go to the hospital and DO NOT WANT THAT.  I am not going to sacrifice my health for hers.  She has been on the street for most of the past 15 years, she knows how to cope.

I know I haven’t kept you up on all this.  She moved here at the end of August with her “brother”.  Within a couple days she asked me to marry her.  Despite everything I tried to do, we could not get along.  Words of love from me were ignored, and words of pain were taken as a personal attack on her.  Then, last week, she asked to have another boyfriend for certain purposes, essentially opening up the relationship.  I told her that I had done that in the past, and that it always meant that I got shorted and ignored.  She promised she wouldn’t do that.  I met the guy she had in mind, and like him.  But within 8 hours she had broken up with me — and required me to house him as well as herself and her brother.  I told her one day, maybe two — last night was 3.  On top of that, last night her legal husband came to town looking for her, and I had to house him as well.

No more.  They are leaving.  Tonight and tomorrow night, Andarea and Andy ONLY are welcome; after tomorrow night, my apartment is my own.

I have been crying most of the time for the past two days, and the past month I’ve shed more tears of fear and safety than I can recall ever doing.  I know that it will hurt me to hurt her like this, it has, it does hurt me.  But her staying here hurts me worse, and I will NOT go back on drugs for someone else’s health.

I can’t remember if I ever kicked someone out of my life.  I have been kicked out a lot… but many times I’ve stayed with someone I could not continue in a relationship with, just to not feel the pain of total rejection.

Please pray for me.  I will be all right.  And I will not be used anymore by this person or group.