Day One was rough, just getting through the day. But the work is easy, for me — apparently not for the past couple people they’ve had in there. Just filing. Well, hell, I know the alphabet. Apparently that’s getting rarer. I did enough work that they were happy, and asked enough questions that they knew I was doing the job right.
I came home, and my honey was a total broken down mess. I made dinner, washed dishes, vacuumed, and then spent hours trying to get her to stop crying and let her know how much I love her. It was ugly, but was about what I expected. We came up with a list of things for her to do Thursday while I was at work.
Day Two: Thursday. They introduced me to a different part of the filing, and I broke it into two projects (one was more research and associating documents, the other filing documents). Got the first project done. Everyone seem to like me, the boss even gave me a hug toward the end of the day.
I came home, and my honey was smiling. I don’t remember what we did for dinner, I think she had salad and nope I don’t really remember what I did. She was doing a lot better, but we also had been texting through the day (a lot more than we did Wednesday). So we thought things were much , much better and I was proud of her. Then she fell apart, and we had the whole thing to talk about and do over.
Day Three was pretty much the same, except my honey had a lot fewer things on her To Do list. She spent part of the day looking for support groups, which will help when she connects with one or a few and likes them.
The biggest part of the problem is that some part of her thinks I took the job to get away from her, and I’m being treated like I abandoned her all day. There is some improvement, but you can’t fix such a deep-rooted feeling in a few days. I know we have a lot of work ahead of us, and, as she has with all the problems we’ve had, my honey will do her share of the work. Sometimes I am made to feel that she holds me responsible for her feelings 24/7/365. Sometimes she performs wonderfully well and I can only be bursting with pride.
The truth of the matter is, we don’t have enough money to live on. She has some inheritance from her grandmother which is helping, but I feel awful spending her inheritance, so I got the job. We have applied for Disability for her, and the application is currently in the hands of a Disability Specialist in Nashville, with a few papers yet to come in from treatment centers or hospitals. It could get ruled on as early as next week or the week after, or they could order her some doctor visits for verification — and the truth is, the system is established to deny over half the applicants. I don’t know how her case looks on paper, but if they spent 24 hours with her (not 15 minutes) they would have more than enough information to make a positive decision.
But if she does get her Disability, will I want to quit the job? I don’t know. The job gives her the time she needs to get to know herself and work on herself, and it’s doing wonders for my self-esteem. Even though it’s very hard for me to get up regularly very early and put in 8 hours (including travel time) 5 days per week (and, remember, I haven’t put in a full week yet, so this is a preliminary assessment), it has been over 15 years since someone has trusted me to do a regular job, and this one looks like one I could do better than anyone else.
Still some questions on the table, but it’s still very early. I hope my honey realizes I love her, down to her very bones and glands. I know it’s true.