My honey broke a promise to me this morning. She told herself it was all right, and even tried to reword the actual promise so that it appeared to be all right to her. It was a power struggle.
I know she feels a need for much reassurance. But she demands that nearly all that reassurance comes in a form she knows scares and hurts me, especially when forced to give it to her on a frequent basis. Because I love her, I give in, sooner or later, but this is the cause of nearly all of our “fights”. And it’s not love she is asking for, it is control.
The bad part of this is, she really is not that way. The person she is happens to be warm, beautiful, loving, powerful, exceptional. But somewhere that program got thrown in that I don’t love her unless she can control my every move, or at least when she wants to.
This morning, I just took my computer and left, leaving for work early and looking for a hotspot. She called me once, I called her once. I left without my wallet and my lunch, so I can’t take care of myself today. Shows me that I might be playing into her control issues some — or that I really need her in my life.
I don’t want ALL my old life back, I love having Sunshine in my life. I do want enough of my life back to feel that I am in control of it myself.
Yeah, bad day. As with most bad days, there is every chance of it working out well.