Monthly Archive: September 2012

I had a talk with my honey this morning on the phone, and shortly after that a talk with my boss. From my viewpoint, both went well, but time will tell.

I have figured out that I am a very special person. I have a lot of widely-varied skills, and they don’t mesh together well. I have a lot of interests, also seemingly not fitting together, including skills others don’t seem to have. I also have some, er, interesting deficiencies, including some deterioration of skills I thought I had and, apparently, missing skills that come easily to others. I don’t have one all-consuming fire within me for any one thing or any obvious groupings of things. It’s hard to find the perfect anything (relationship, job, hangout, whatever), in fact I would say impossible. So I have long since been looking for what would be enough for me.

My current sweetie is enough for me. More than enough. The best honey ever. At times, I seem to be less than enough, or even “other”, for her. We can work on that, for as long as she wants to.

My current job uses more of my skills than any position I have ever had. Sometimes I am finding that my skill level is not as high as it used to be, or as high as I thought it was, but my boss says I am a very valuable employee, we just have to figure out better ways to communicate and I need to be taking more notes in our discussions. I thought my memory was better than that, but I could be wrong, so I’ll just take the best notes I can and stop whining. She, too, is willing to work on it, and so am I.

One thing I am not is a quitter. So long as there is any chance of any reasonable level of success, I don’t go running out the door or ending things. Hurts a lot sometimes. I can live through that.

I hope Sunshine reads and understands that 3rd paragraph. I love you with all my heart, honey, and don’t want to lose you, but I also don’t want to hold onto you so tightly you want to get away. We will work on anything we can, and maybe someday I will be enough for you.

Hugs,

Me

This new job. It’s the first real job I’ve had since 1997. Right now I’m not feeling up to it. I’m doing things wrong that I shouldn’t be, that even I know better. But when I take initiative to do something, I get creamed for doing it, and when I don’t, I get blasted for not doing it.  There is a lot to learn, and no time to learn it, and I’m being criticized for not having the next-to-latest new task not locked down.  And just about every time the boss says something “instructive” it sounds like shouting. Some of that is just the way she talks, but she doesn’t make much of an attempt to tone it down.

This morning she was not in the office, so she called in and ripped me apart for about ten minutes, then had me transfer her to the other employee, where she proceeded to do the same to her for about 20 minutes.  Tina has been here about 2 months longer than I have, and attends the same church as our boss, so there are pluses and minuses there that she can get help in dealing with.

Most of the time I can get help from Tina, but lately she has been finding my mistakes.

Look, I know I’m disabled. I know it is an “invisible disability”. But I wish it weren’t so invisible to me. I should just stay at home and collect my check and not bother anyone.

OK, whining again. I’m not going to do that. I’m too tough for that. But I don’t blame me for feeling that way. So far I’m sticking it out, and, after a respectable emotional burst, am back to answering the phones… but I’m not as confident as before.

In other news, sweetie is off in Sevierville, to look for jobs and to look at that trailer. It might be a piece of garbage she doesn’t want… but we also have lots of wonderful friends who are skilled at fixing things. Hope she gets a job she wants, and is strong enough to keep it.

Hugs,

Me

Well, my honey and I love each other. And we’re looking for housing, job, and even a pet snake for honey. She has found a trailer near Sevierville, $1000 to own the trailer and $200/mo lot rental or she can buy land and move it. I haven’t seen it yet. Misty has given her a list of jobs in the Pigeon Forge/Sevierville area.

OK, she doesn’t HAVE the trailer yet, I made that sound as though she did. She FOUND this trailer, hasn’t seen it yet, and hasn’t bought it yet. It’s an option which opened up to her.

And we’re staying together. Get over it. Hope we can solve our issues and get back together at the right time. Everything was too rushed by necessity, but she’s better now and ready to stand on her own two feet.  And I’m babbling, but we’ll be all right. Don’t know if this place is where she’ll go but it’s at least presenting hope.

Always a solution. Not always an easy one, but a solution. Aum gam Ganapatayei Namaha!

Hugs,

Me

I really feel lost right now. I don’t know how I feel about anything. I almost called in sick this morning, but couldn’t think of a good excuse. I started crying every time my honey said she loves me. I feel like I’m not working out at work, even though there has been nothing said which leads me to this feeling. I think I’m just having a period of depression and am seeing things where there isn’t anything to see. I’m sure I’ll work through it, but it would be nice to have a few days off … and don’t think I can without quitting or losing the job.

This weekend was really rough, I was feeling totally wiped out from the time I headed for home on Friday and stayed that way all day Saturday. Sunday I had enough energy to get the laundry done, also dishes and catbox, and then felt out of it watching the day’s football games, although the Tennessee Titans game had enough exciting plays to keep me interested (and they won, which is always nice).

A lot of it is financial stress. One of the people on my Family Plan with AT&T Mobility ran up the bill last month and this, and her payment, which she says she mailed Sept 4, has not yet come in. She has pulled her phone out of the Family Plan, but I had to use my alread-short paycheck to pay AT&T and can only hope I’ll be reimbursed. She is waiting for payment from her lawyer on an accidnet, should be any day now, and says she will next-day the money to me, but until it’s here I can’t count on it.  Besides that, Social Security is taking $300 out of my next Disability check to pay my Medicare premiums, Sunshine has lost her $200 EBT (because I make too much money, ha), and we’re running up $400-500 per month in gasoline expense (charged to an ExxonMobil card, so far paid off in full each month so no interest charges). Just a little window into my world.

I also received a letter Friday from Social Security saying that I can keep my check if I don’t earn more than $X (which I’m not), but with the caveat “if you can prove you are still disabled.” If I lose my job, that proves I’m still disabled… if I keep it, what is the proof? Their own regulations state that there is no cure for my disorder, and that the only treatment for it is drugs which I have not taken since late 2003, so there is no way I am cured… unless I was misdiagnosed? I’m sure many of you reading this know how hard it is to prove disability in the first place, and I’ve been drugged from the age of 12 to nearly 51 for one diagnosis or other. But you know bureaucrats. So I’m scared.

Hugs,

Me

Well, we thought we had figured out all the issues. In fact, reading through my blogs, we had — we just hadn’t noticed some of them ourselves. We knew about the physical stuff. We knew Sunshine was having trouble adjusting to life in Blaine, even with all her new wonderful friends.

What we weren’t letting ourselves hear was that Sunshine wants to be in Nashville, which I can’t. That Sunshine needs to be out and active, while I’m a homebody. There isn’t that much wiggle room here.

We’re still madly in love with each other. But don’t believe there is a way to work out the major differences.

We haven’t given up yet. But most of our tears now are depression, not anger or defense. Sunshine said she wanted to marry me in 2 years. I heard that as future tense, but sometimes she phrases it in past tense and sometimes she doesn’t. We’re not sure of anything.

Except that we really love each other.

Had an OK day. Decided to call it quits early at work, back to the original 4 pm.  I was spooked by a phone call from Social Security asking about some previous jobs in the distant past. Morning at work was soft, and my honey came by for a hug and then went to get me lunch. Afternoon was crazy. 

Got home and did some quick figures, then honey and I went out to eat; she said it has been a hard week already and we deserved it. Our favorite spot, Smoky Mountain Wings and Grill in Rutledge; I usually only get the salad bar and soup, they have a chicken n dumplings that is to die for, but if we go on Fridays I get one of their huge chicken sandwiches, which is what honey usually gets.

Not a perfect night, but we’re trying. Honey still needs way too much attention, but I didn’t expect it to just go away. And I’m still over-reacting to it. But we got to bed, calmed down, and got a chapter read in the book. Way behind on honeymaking now.

I love you, Sunshine. I really do.

Hugs,

Me

Last night, Sunshine had enough. It wasn’t easy for her to leave, but she went to spend the night with a friend.

Yes, it hurt. Yes, I love her with my whole heart. But the relief of not having to cater to her every insecurity for one night was enormous. It got to where everything I said was mis-heard and everything I didn’t say was mind-read (incorrectly).

I don’t know where we are going from here. My life would be easier – and emptier – without her. I have enough money to live on if I’m not paying for the gas in her truck, it’s that simple. But simple isn’t always what we want, is it? Some logistics issues, finding her a place to live and paying for it, finding me a mattress and her a frame and boxspring… but are we breaking up, or is this just a get-away-from-it-all?

I’m sure she is reading this and thinking I don’t love her anymore. That is not true. Maybe we are supposed to not be living together, maybe she triggers some of the worst things in me, maybe I do that for her, but there is no doubt in my mind that we are still completely in love. However, she has made it clear over and over again that she wants to be in Nashville, a place I have no desire whatever to live in or near. I don’t know what we’re going to do about our conference next month or our convention in January, for which we already have tickets –  my suggestion would be to go together anyhow. We love each other more than enough to spend a night or weekend together.

I’m trying to get ready for the Pagan Prison Ministry big bash, to be held Oct 27 — a complete Pagan Festival held within the walls of Foothills Correctional Facility in Morganton, NC. I have a workshop, another workshop of music, and probably a performance. Could be fun. Thanks to Darla Kay Wynne and all her perspicacity in making this happen.

My sweetie and I have managed to work our way through another crisis and are coming out of it strong. I will be visiting with her and her therapist, whom I already know and have formerly worked with, in a couple weeks. We are having fun together again. I hope we’re over it all, but I know better — for changes to be permanent requires work, and we both still have a lot of holes in our mental clothing. Keep praying for us, we’re going to get through this. We always do.

Update Sunday: Crisis is still up and down, like dying pond plants sucking the oxygen out of the pond. II still think we’ll make it. Sometimes it seems sweetie wants someone who looks like me but has no interests outside of paying attention to her. What made me the wonderful man I am today is what I did with my life, and it often seems I am not being given half a chance to do any of those things anymore.

Hugs,

Me

I had to worry about my honey leaving me for two days. She never brought it up, although she pointed to a sentence buried in a paragraph in her blog, and was about to take off without me knowing a thing about it. Eventually she decided she didn’t have the money to go (like I could have told her that).

I had my boss give me a new work project, one which requires me to get into their VERY BUGGY accounting software and not mess it up. She says I can work up to an extra hour per day. This is helpful, as Social Security finally discovered that TennCare was not picking up my Medicare premium anymore (the job puts me over the resource limit for TennCare and Food Stamps), and they are taking $300 out of my check next month and $100 a month after that.  So I came home and started making preparations to be able to leave for work earlier.

And then, just as I get sleepy enough to go to sleep and roll over to do so, my honey throws another of her tantrums she called “nightmares”. I have to wake up and take care of her, and no amount of taking care of her is good enough, and she triggers me to start screaming at her again, and she won’t even let me calm myself down. I’m supposed to take care of her, be damned that I need taking care of and don’t have anything left to take care of her with. I finally can’t take it any more and get up and go to the living room to be left alone. She does not do so, and even turns the light on (TWICE, with me begging her not to do so). I need to sleep, and she is doing everything she possibly can to wake me up.  The hell of it is, she doesn’t even remember the first half of the fight.

One time I actually tried to record one of these fights to show that I was not making things up that were being said and done. She tried to destroy the recording device almost as soon as I turned it on. She doesn’t want to know what she is doing, she just wants me to feel awful and take the blame for everything.

This morning I was feeling horrible about it. I have not had sufficient sleep and still have to go to work early. She wanted to open up the argument again, with me begging her not to. She did it anyhow.

I can’t keep driving to work in tears. I don’t want to hurt her, but she keeps hurting me BADLY. The worst part is, while she is tearing my heart apart she is accusing me of pulling away from her or being afraid she is losing me. HELLO! YOU KEEP HURTING ME AND IT IS IN MY BEST INTERESTS TO NOT BE HERE. I’M NOT THE ONE THROWING THE KNIVES.

I know she is a good person with a good heart. I have no idea what triggers her to feel so insecure that she wants to PROVE SHE IS RIGHT TO FEEL INSECURE BY SHOVING ME AWAY. I guess if I go away she is right.

Hard to do, when it is my place, all my stuff is here, I’m paying for everything. I do not feel appreciated for all the things I am doing — about 10% of the time. My honey is wonderful and then some 90% of the time. The biggest issue is that she doesn’t remember about half of what she does to trigger me, and no matter how much I talk about it, the same triggers get trotted out each time. I can’t defuse them. To be honest, this is happening less often, but I am getting no better at dealing with it when it happens.

I will probably delete this blog really soon. I don’t want to feel like I’m saying hateful things about my honey, no matter how true they are.

Crying again,

Me

Well, I wasn’t ready for Harvest, and now I know why. There was just too much. Nothing went badly, I had a great time, but there was too much on my plate.

Yesterday I had to break down camp and load the truck. Among other things, we have a new tent and it is HEAVY. Had Men’s Ritual and Closing Ritual, all of which was wonderful. Honey drove us home, stopping at Arby’s for a turkey sandwich & baked potato. Already wiped out. Got home and had to offload truck. Had some football games on but had no time to watch them — I had to load up the car to go do laundry. Got the car vacuumed while I was there. Went to Kroger for some deli chicken and potato salad. Came home and had to put the clothes away AND pay the rest of our monthly bills (thankful for a paycheck). Could not watch the Broncos even with it on, was just another thing keeping me from getting done.

Now I’m more worn out than I can remember, have to tie up a dozen loose ends, can’t relax to let go of what already happened, still need to fold and put away my underwear, it’s a quarter to midnight, have to get up at 6 am for work… and honey wants honeymaking. And I know that if I say no, either there is a tantrum then or in the morning. So she gets me ready, and then stops to ask me what is wrong. Trust me, I have not been silent as to my challenges, but stopping at that point meant I could not continue. We got things taken care of barely, I feel awful, I feel exhausted, and of course I don’t feel a whole lot better this morning. It would be a good day to stay home…

BUT, I missed 1.5 days of work last week (holiday is unpaid, and had to take honey to disability attorney), AND I just got my letter from SocialSecurity saying they are taking $300 out of my next check to pay my Medicare premium (I lost Medicaid/TennCare due to my earnings at the new job).  So I can’t take any time off and feel good about it.

My shoulders are a tight, nasty mess, I am barely able to keep my eyes open, and I’m typing here and drinking coffee as fast as I can. Hope I don’t have much email to deal with… and haven’t hardly looked at my Facebook all weekend. I have some website responsibilities that have fallen by the wayside for months, and picked up a new one over the weekend.

Sunshine did REALLY well all weekend. I owe her a lot, including a lot more time than I have to give her right now. She interacted with many friends, made new ones, had fewer and less deep panic attacks, and was generally a joy to be around. I just have nothing to give her right now, in terms of time and attention, and I think the above says pretty much why… but that is not good enough, her feelings are that I’m ignoring her. I think we’re getting better, but there is just no way to manufacture time and I just gotta keep going.

Not sure that’s whining. But I would if I had time for it.

Hope everyone has a great day today. And I love my honey.

Hugs,

Me