Yearly Archive: 2012

Happy birthday

I have completed another trip around the Sun, my 60th such.

Had to pay bills today. Extra stresses were added throughout the day, as well as friends helping to destress me and my own actions to do so.

I’ll be spending my birthday with good and loving friends in Sevierville. Not entirely what I had hoped for (which would have been a larger celebration centered around these same friends), but close enough. 

I am very thankful for my closest friends — Angus and Angie, Sky, Paula Caplan, Monica, John — as well as my mother and my favorite cousin, Linda. I am thankful for so many others, including those who call themselves my sisters and students. I am thankful for my cat, who tries to love me — not only is it hard for her for her background, but hard for me when I so often am feeling unlovable.  I am thankful that I can — barely — take care of myself, often with financial help from my mother. I am thankful for all those who have chosen to spend some part of their life living with me, however unsuccessful it has been to date.  I would love to be thankful for a job, especially one in peer support, but have not been able to secure one.





Update: OK, it’s the afternoon now. I wrote that before going to bed. I woke up crying. My ex-wife #5 called and was talking about coming back to me. She has been gone for 14 years, living with a man (husband, and still married to him) who treats her like shit and steals from her mother and… I’ve had to hear about this for 14 years and she hasn’t come back yet, plus there’s a reason I left her the first time. I had to tell her, What if your knight in shining armor is just a retard in aluminum foil? 

Getting a lot of good birthday greetings, some ecards, most of them beautiful… also getting birthday greetings from websites, some of which I don’t even remember joining.

Should leave for Sevierville soon. Or at least go get something to eat.


Update #2: I should thank Sunshine for helping me get through the past 9 months, even though it has been very rocky. At least I wasn’t alone, and I know she loves me.

Not good

I helped Sunshine move the big pieces of furniture to her storage yesterday. I did not appreciate the way I was repaid for my help. I hope she learns soon that we broke up and I mean it.

Got my new vacuum cleaner yesterday. Can’t say I’m itching to try it out, LOL. Hard to get excited over a vacuum cleaner.

Sad to hear about that Chiefs football player yesterday. Early reports say he had no prior issues, was very upbeat. Was an undrafted free agent who made his way up to a starting position… on the league’s worst team. Apparently his mother got to watch him blow his girlfriend away, then he drove to the Chiefs training facility, thanked the coach and GM personally, and then shot himself.

Cheering for the Knoxville Browns. They don’t have a good record, but have not really LOST any games, just come out on the low end of the score a lot. (Yes, they play in Cleveland. Their new owner was CEO of Pilot Flying J, headquartered in Knoxville, and his brother is the current Governor of TN. Hard to cheer for the Titans — it’s probably as close to Charlotte as Nashville, and neither team is doing anything special.)

In the advertising scam department, there is that supplement for men being hawked by the big name former football star… claims to have more of the major ingredient than over 100 Saw Palmetto capsules. Have you read the fine print? That “major ingredient” is stated to NOT be the active ingredient in Saw Palmetto. Hey, my coffee has 8000 times more caffeine than you’ll find in Sprite.




Getting Help

Hope this isn’t in TMI Land.

I’m totally out of money, but have my SSDI check coming Monday. I checked on food banks in the area, and so far haven’t found one, but got a $30 voucher from Douglas Cherokee and today got some food and other supplies from Grainger County Baptist Association. Everyone is running out of money, GCBA said they can’t even stock a food pantry right now.

My Food Stamp card (now called SNAP, don’t know why they changed it from EBT) should have been ordered Wednesday, and they say it takes 7-10 days to get here. Should have $25 on it when it does, and another $45 on the 17th of December.

I still haven’t called for housing help, don’t know why I haven’t. Need to do that.





I’m making bad decisions again. Buying things on credit that, yeah they would be nice but, I don’t need. Maybe even helpful in putting my life together, but the debt involved will get in the way of that. And I know that all the while I place that Fingerbutt order, I’m thinking about it, and can’t stop myself.

I have tried to show Sunshine that I love and support her efforts to keep going and get her life together. Today it was clear that she can’t hear me say supportive things IN PRINT without reading hurtful things into it. If anything could depress me more, that would be it.

I’m really OK. So long as I don’t think about or try to talk to Sunshine. That’s most of the time. But a lot of her stuff is still here, so future interaction is required.

Oh well. I dug the hole, after almost a year of digging out I dug it deeper. I know how to do both. Depressives should have holds put on their credit. Hey, I even asked Fingerbutt to do that, they said they don’t do things like that.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying my new TV (really needed that), and hope to get some enjoyment from my vacuum cleaner (the old one didn’t suck, if you know what I mean) and whatever else I got. I need a job; with even a 20-hour job at Taco Bell, I could pay all this stuff off.

I did get some good news in the credit department, the amount of money I’m paying on the gas card IS making a dent in my debt to them. Even with the trip to North Carolina for the Pagan Prison Ministry project, I spent under $150 in gas last month and my payment was $200. With my next payment, I will be under half the credit limit on that card.

And in case you’re wondering, those are the only two credit-things I have. I should have destroyed Fingerbutt but oh well.

I did some work on a new website for my Spiritual Family yesterday. Oddly, I have been taking heat from some Family members for doing so. The person who was in charge of the project, it seems, was never officially put in charge of the project, at least according to some. This means some people have MORE to get on my case about. I will say that a lot of Family members have thanked me for it, but the ones hurting me are actually involved in putting/holding the Family together.


Hugs and tears,



I’m starting to feel safe at home again. Starting to feel that nothing will happen to me if I go to sleep. Starting to reclaim the things I was doing last January. Getting to work on websites, arranging to do things I wanted to do, and getting some hats knit.

I had no idea that loving someone meant that much sacrificing of myself. Really. I spent a lot of time fighting to reclaim little pieces, but I should not have had to lose the big ones.

It’s amazing how much less I hurt. It’s sad that it had to hurt someone else. I hope her recovery shows her that she, too, is stronger now. Gotta be something we both get out of this.




Kinda OK

I’m sort of recovering. I’ll be going to Thanksgiving Dinner with my Family in Pigeon Forge, and Sunshine will be there. We have lots of loving friends and I’m sure we’ll be OK — and if not, well, we’re each taking our own vehicle.

I’ve had phone calls and chats with friends, new and old. Yesterday started out weepy but I was feeling almost OK by the end of the day. I actually overslept this morning — I’ve been waking up somewhere around 11:30 and told a friend to call me after Noon… and she woke me at 12:30.

Just as I started typing the last paragraph, Sunshine called. I tried to be nice, but there are parts of being broken up that she’s not getting, and I don’t want more arguments over that.


To Sunshine: I am SO PROUD of you, you tried to break the cycle of abuse and find a non-abusive honey. Most women who have the history of abuse you’ve had never take that step.  You have another step yet to take: you still HEAR the language of abuse, no matter what I say. The language of abuse and the language of love are almost entirely different languages, even though they sometimes use the same sets of words; they are used entirely differently.

I’m not perfect. Sometimes I’m pretty good, sometimes less so. I may not be saying everything I think I’m saying. There are tools we can use to see if we’re hearing what the other is saying.

I love you, sweetie, but until you can hear options and things to work on instead of just the dire consequences, we can’t be together. I don’t want you harboring any fantasies about that. But as soon as you can learn to hear a helpful or loving comment and not try to make it into a hurtful one, we can work at getting back together.

I’ve edited this a number of times. I’m still not sure I’m saying what I want to say, but I know I love you and I know you love me. I hope some of it gets through.





My honey came over yesterday. She was supposed to have me help her move a lot of her stuff into storage, but she didn’t have the storage rented yet and of course nobody was open on Sunday. It turned into a very uncomfortable time for both of us, as she apparently did not want to leave but we had nothing to do or say.

I got up to feed my rat. The Rat Who Would Not Die. The rat who spent a whole week in the freezer with the intention of becoming Frozen Ratty-Bites for a friend’s snake, but did not cooperate so I took him out and made him a pet. I have had him for over a year since then. He was barely moving today. I fed him, made sure he had water, and went to do errands.

I took my digital converter box back to Comcast. No increase or reduction in my cable bill. I then took my old TV over to my “sisters”, Star and Jevim. Good timing, as their little TV had just died. They needed a bigger one anyhow.

I tried to call Sunshine but got voicemail.  I came home and checked on Hratgar, the aforementioned rat-not-doing-so-well.  Still not doing well. I put him outside so that he could, at least, die a free rat. Might be the wrong thing to do but I’ll check on him later.

Very very very conflicted what to do, what to feel, how to keep going. Nothing life-shattering, except that I’m already feeling shattered. I have kept going before, and am not going to stop now.

I did chop my beard off the other day. This means I have several days of bloody face as my face gets used to being shaved again, eventually ending with me giving up and growing my beard back, but it had to be done.

May all your days be gentle and filled with love.




Not holding anymore

I was so happy that my honey got out of the crisis center this morning. Even though I barely had any sleep, it was good to have her home cuddling with me.

That was the high point of the day. I thought we were doing pretty well, but she was obviously feeling more stressed.

I was hoping that she would stay the night. After all, she lives here… and had not been home 5 of the previous 6 nights (3 at the crisis center, 2 at a friend’s house). But then she started packing to go back to the friend’s house, and I started crying.

At the end of it, I decided it was time to stop holding onto the relationship, and suggested we should break up. I love her with all my heart, and I know she loves me the same, but we have not been able to fix the problems we’ve had, and we’ve been working at it for 9 months. If she is so stressed she would rather sleep on a friend’s couch than stay home with me, then we have problems. We have been trying to find her an apartment for some time so that we could work out those problems. No luck yet.

I know it is going to be hard for her to try to keep going without me, but it has been hard for her to try to keep going with me, and the same could be said about me. I hope we can figure stuff out. I’m not holding my breath but I’d love to be holding my honey.

No new job prospects. Honey’s only job prospect calls for an interview on Dec 7. Not much to look forward to. Hope she gets it and can keep it, but they sure are being slow about it.

OK, don’t know what else to say. I’m hurting, she’s hurting, we both could use your prayers.

My mother has been moved from the hospital to a rehab facility for physical therapy. They say they will let her out for a few hours, I expect she will go home and then go back to the facility. I hope she can just go home soon.





Holding pattern

My sweetie should be released tomorrow, and I finally get to visit her today.  My mother is getting well enough that the doctors want to move her to a rehab facility for physical therapy. And I’m just sitting here without enough sleep. No news for me other than that my new car GPS came in the mail.

Standing on the corner

I keep feeling like my honey and I have turned corners, only to find her standing just before the corner I thought we had turned, quivering her her metaphorical boots.  Apparently she is really afraid of changing something, and it’s so bad she went for help. She couldn’t even ask me to take her, had to call a friend 25 miles away to take her.  So now she is gone for at least 3 days.  Without her here, I can’t even go to bed until I’m entirely exhausted, and then still take a couple hours to get to sleep (after 4 am last night).  I have been making some less-than-great decisions in other areas (my last “new” TV was an already-6-year-old Sharp in 2005, so I ordered one from a place which gives me credit, and without a job I really can’t pay the payments… at least I held it down to a 26″ LCD for $300 instead of one of the huge $1000+ models).

I don’t have any job prospects right now except a part-promise that the company I interviewed for last would hire me if they had enough clients. I need to take control of that again.

Not doing well. Could be worse.

My mother has been in the hospital almost two weeks now. My uncle is starting to panic, saying things like, “We have to get her out of there, people DIE in hospitals,” which is a very true statement considering Mom is already 83 years old.  And this has heightened my missing my father, who died last year. Nov 12 would have been his 86th birthday, and having my mother in the hospital…

Well, let’s just say I am doing as well as I could expect to under the circumstances. Half the time I want to just throw all my stuff in a Uhaul and head for Nebraska. My ex-wife and her husband have found a place they are welcome, and housing costs are way cheap… if I can afford the utility bills… but I would have zero job opportunities there and lots of other things. You know, when things go bad, running is one of the options. I think of all the options, even the disastrous ones, just don’t give anything much weight when I can still sit here and stick things out.

Goat any extra prayers sitting around doing nothing? I could use some.