Yearly Archive: 2013

Send It Back

Well, I’ve probably mentioned everything about how my computer got messed up, and might have mentioned that ASUS gave me an RMA (Return Merchandise Authorization) to send it back to them. Odds are they will just ship me another unit they already worked on… I think I’ve decided to bite the bullet and do it. This decision is aided by the fact that I have an Android 4.0 tablet and an Android 4.1 phone (not activated as a phone yet) with which I can use to keep in touch with the Internet.

Got everything printed out, which was its own fun (getting CUPS to work for the first time, with some related software issues). I thought they guaranteed postage both ways, but there is not a mailing label included. So I guess I have to pay for FedEx or UPS or DHL to send it back to them. Now I get to figure out how to get to one of them…

Another Medication Issue (I think)

Several days now of not being able to sleep despite being extremely tired. When I go to bed I have joint aches I don’t remember having before. So I went online and looked at the one medication I’m taking, Norvasc. The med literature does not mention insomnia or joint pain but mentions some of the other effects… but digging deeper, the FDA website shows FREQUENT complaints of insomnia and joint pain and people using this drug are vehement that the drug company doesn’t include these effects in the literature. This is particularly important to me, because my current nephrologist does not believe anything which is not in the literature, ESPECIALLY if it is on the Internet. So I have to convince him to change my meds, or quit taking it and have to find another doctor (he said he would “fire me” if I stopped another med on my own).

I’ve also had more confusion and memory problems than before, and have come close to falling more than a few times. I was blaming it on “stress” and “getting older” but these, too, can be traced to the drug, according to patient reports.

Happy Yule

Been quiet for a while. Things are going along, up and down. Been working too many hours, having good and bad times. Baby Girl was ecstatic about her Yule presents from us. I came down with a cold, light as usual but still several days of fighting it. Having some trouble sleeping.

I’m at risk of losing my Disability. My boss has needed me more hours than I should be working. I really think 20 hour weeks are more than I can handle, but I’ve been doing 25 for a while and now two extra shifts, one 6 and one 8 hours. If I lose this, I’ll have to either quit, get fired, or wind up in the hospital, because I would have to work 57 hours per week to make the money I’m making now and I’m going crazy with stress now. However, it’s good to know my boss considers me a valuable employee.

I finished a Challenge I ran on a SparkTeam. Came in 5th. Starting another. My low weight this month was 204.4, a new low…and I’m still in the 205-208 range, lower than last year’s low weight. That’s good news. Hope I can finally break 200 but maybe not this year.




Not Getting It

Well, we’re getting help to get the van fixed. Hope we can do it for that amount. But I still spent the morning crying.

Stress, stress, and stress. I haven’t had more than 5 hours sleep in about 2 weeks. When I get to bed early, I get woke up early and can’t get back to sleep — when I get to bed late, I don’t have time to sleep in. And late happens more often than early.

I did not get to go to my Family’s Yule celebration. I asked for help with a ride and did not get sufficient response to actually get the ride. At least two people apologized, but even so… I need that contact, otherwise I feel so isolated.

Honey is doing her very best. She has been doing more housework even though it leaves her in significant pain. But with my meltdown, I’ve not been able to do as much work as I’d like or was getting used to doing, so if she didn’t pick it up, the house would be a wreck.

What do you do to get inner peace? Mine keeps being destroyed by outer turmoil and stress, can’t get past that. Maybe I’m making it too hard, I know I did that in the past.

We have to get through this — there is a threat that I will lose my Disability due to having to fill in for people at work (too many hours means too much pay means no SSDI). If that happens, I would have to work 58 hours per week to make what I’m currently making inluding benefits, and I’m melting down major-league working 25 hours. But I still have the job after more than 6 months, and the fact that I keep being asked to help out by my house manager means I’m valued.

Any prayers or energy you can send for us will be much appreciated.




One More Thing


I’ve just read a bunch more posts of people vilifying other people. Y’all need to get over yourselves.

Michael Vick hurt a bunch of dogs. I know that. I know how evil the act was. Hey, HE knows how evil it was. But are you never going to let the man get over it and become the beautiful human being he is supposed to be?

Yeah, I wish I had his money. But I still have his problem. I know what I did, and I’ve served much penance for it. The only person I hurt long since forgave me — it’s all you haters out there who love to hate people, and whom I never hurt or threatened in the least, who refuse to forgive. YOU ARE THE ABUSERS NOW.

Guess what? It’s not your job to forgive me. All you are doing is making it harder for me to be the wonderful person I usually am. How many people have you helped? How much have you done to make the world a better place? You haters do more harm that a thousand dog-torturers, and you keep doing it and pat yourselves on the back for all the hate you spread.

There Is No “Them”. We are all dragged down or lifted up together. If you think it’s more important to organize a boycott against some one person or type of person, YOU’RE THE PROBLEM.

And ya know, most of you claim to follow a “religion of peace” and state that the world would be better if everyone followed your faith. Is it making you better? Have wars stopped? How many wars have been started with “God on Our Side”? How many have been stopped by religion? ¬†For every Gandhi there are a dozen Hitlers — backed by a thousand Cheneys (weapons makers profiting from the wars).

Your hate does not make me better. It does not make YOU better. It does not make the WORLD better.

Get over your damned selves. I’m sure you will be found “lukewarm” at best, and you know what happens then… if you’ve read your scriptures.



My blog is getting seen. By anywhere from, oh, zero to four persons per day. Sorry to be so uninteresting.

I’d think there would be that many views just trying to catch up, now that I have multiple years worth of blogs added.

I gave myself a birthday present (well, Mom gave me the money, so I guess you could say she gave it to me) and joined Ar nDraoicht Fein (Our Own Druidism), founded something like 30 years ago by P.E.I. (Isaac) Bonewits. I look forward to learning new things, and wonder why I didn’t join much sooner. My students have been reading Isaac’s major book as part of their studies for, well, as long as I’ve been teaching. Isaac’s widow, Phaedra, has been on my Friends list at Facebook for, well, since before he died, which isn’t all that long, but we have gotten quite friendly (in a Facebook-y way).

Life is still hell in a big way. A Disability check and a part-time job were not meant to be used to raise a SO and her daughter in a big house (the rent is cheap, the utilities are not) and it stresses me to my limits and beyond almost every day. Our personalities are just different enough to not be able to easily figure out what to do to coexist or, better, work together easily. Which, of course, adds to the stress. I’m amazed that I’ve kept my job over 6 months (and am valued there) and not had to check myself in somewhere. The lack of a running vehicle also prevents me from getting to my therapist appointments and puts a huge crimp on the life of my family as well… probably hurts them more than it does me, as I can get the bus to work and a few other places (but not the therapist’s office).

Nothing hurts self-esteem more than feeling you’re just not doing well enough. That quickly gets translated to you ARE not good enough. Not good.

I bought my honey a phone, to use on Boost. Then I found out my bank account is overdrawn (yet again) and I can’t activate it until my next paycheck — and maybe not then, as the overdraft needs to be addressed as well as current bills. Sigh.

Ya know, I’d trade my problems for Bill Gates’ any day. There are very few ways we’re going to get through this, and they all have problems attached.




One of my (very few) readers commented to me that I don’t post a blog every day. Hmmm. Nobody is reading them…

I have been running a Challenge in’s Pagan Place Community which ends on Yule (Dec. 21). We get points for weight loss, cardio work, weight work, supporting others, and one other way to gain points… I’m in 4th place right now but I didn’t expect to do that much better. I probably lost a few points in reconstruction, when my computer went down. One member of the group keeps calling me a Loser and talks about my Downward Spiral … yeah, I’ve gone from 220 to 204 pounds. I can live with that.

Most Winters my body is gaining weight, putting it on to survive the freeze I guess.

I’m still trying to get a response from the person who runs the local Asperger’s Adult support group. I wonder why they are so bloody slow to help?

Today is a Christmas Party at DRC. I don’t think I’m going.

Been very weepy for a long while. Some of that is the weather and season, some of it is circumstances.




Argh another year

Everyone keeps posting to my email and Facebook to remind me that it’s my birthday. Hey, I didn’t pick it, and if I had I would have picked one a lot farther away from a Major Holiday. But yeah, I survived another year. I may not always (often?) be joyful but I survive. I am proud of all the people I have helped to survive better than they were doing; some I have helped get themselves off damaging drugs which were not helping them, some I have actually talked out of suicide.

Sixty-one years of this stuff. I do have more good days than bad, and a lot of the bad days are from my own attitudes, which I continue to work on. Self-esteem is not the easiest things to work on, and it doesn’t seem to stay there when you move it upward.

May your gods bless you on this and every day. May we all be blessed with a place to call home and people to call family.

So mote it be.




Rough times

Had a rough weekend. Nothing earth-shattering. But then I followed with forgetting I was supposed to go in early to work today. Let my manager down. He’s not letting it get to him, but it’s driving me bonkers. (I know, too late.)

Talked to my mother about my usual birthday/Yule stuff. That was also very harrowing, although I am extremely thankful to have that problem.

Self-esteem does not come easily or remain long, does it? Why is it so much work?




I’m working today. The buses are not running. My employer made a decision that my manager could pick me up and get me a return ride from another house. And I have a job, which I’ve held for over 6 months. For that I am thankful.

But this is the first Thanksgiving Day I can remember that I was not sitting down with family. I’ve shed a tear or two on that.

Why is it so hard to celebrate the successes and so easy to see the hurts?