Not my best morning. Fading in and out of a not-very-empowering dream, I started remembering various times in my life where my family hurt me and (a) failed to protect me, (b) ignored what was happening and then denied anything did, or (c) openly laughed at me for being hurt. All those times when just ONE person could have comforted me and it would be all right — and nobody did. All the times I was told that something I was good at would never be good enough to be worth anything (“You’ll never make money at that, better do something else.”)
I’m sure I’ve disappointed my family. but they disappointed me first.
And guess what? I’m not going to hurt myself. Too many people would say, “See, I told you he wouldn’t turn out to any good.” I hope you understand how horrible it feels to go on living and taking the best care of myself I know how, because, in my deepest heart, I know how many people would be satisfied if I gave up.
A lot of other areas of my life are based on that premise. I’m going to keep doing something, not because I love doing it (I know I would have loved it if I had gotten the least encouragement from the family who was supposed to do that) but because someone would be smugly satisfied if I quit and I refuse to give them that.
I’ll have sunnier posts. I promise.
Selected comment and response on Facebook:
Danielle Meierhenry Remember it’s Mercury Retrograde AND a full moon right now. It’s bound to play games in the subconscious. I know it’s little comfort in the moment, though.
Moss Bliss Yeah, well, Mom (Luna, Mother Earth) always makes me feel loved. I sometimes miss having a person touch me and tell me that, but I never doubt Goddess.
Moss Bliss That judging Sky God always took my family’s side, and told me I wasn’t His type. I’m sure a lot of people who are “different” feel the same on that score.