Yearly Archive: 2015

Bad Morning Ruminations

Not my best morning. Fading in and out of a not-very-empowering dream, I started remembering various times in my life where my family hurt me and (a) failed to protect me, (b) ignored what was happening and then denied anything did, or (c) openly laughed at me for being hurt. All those times when just ONE person could have comforted me and it would be all right — and nobody did. All the times I was told that something I was good at would never be good enough to be worth anything (“You’ll never make money at that, better do something else.”)

I’m sure I’ve disappointed my family. but they disappointed me first.

And guess what? I’m not going to hurt myself. Too many people would say, “See, I told you he wouldn’t turn out to any good.” I hope you understand how horrible it feels to go on living and taking the best care of myself I know how, because, in my deepest heart, I know how many people would be satisfied if I gave up.

A lot of other areas of my life are based on that premise. I’m going to keep doing something, not because I love doing it (I know I would have loved it if I had gotten the least encouragement from the family who was supposed to do that) but because someone would be smugly satisfied if I quit and I refuse to give them that.

I’ll have sunnier posts. I promise.

Selected comment and response on Facebook:

Danielle Meierhenry Remember it’s Mercury Retrograde AND a full moon right now. It’s bound to play games in the subconscious. I know it’s little comfort in the moment, though.

Moss Bliss Yeah, well, Mom (Luna, Mother Earth) always makes me feel loved. I sometimes miss having a person touch me and tell me that, but I never doubt Goddess.

Moss Bliss That judging Sky God always took my family’s side, and told me I wasn’t His type. I’m sure a lot of people who are “different” feel the same on that score.

Happy Imbolc

I had a wonderful Imbolc celebration, mostly with Morristown-area members of my spiritual Family. Some I hadn’t seen for quite a while — Phoenix and his lady I hadn’t seen since the Splendor Hollow Music Festival. (I don’t have much money for going out, so I’ve been missing the local performances of Tuatha Dea).

With all the wonderful food provided by everyone, with special thanks to our hosts, Oz and Magenta Moon (who began the celebration on a high note by becoming handfasted to each other), amazingly I did not gain much weight. I was encouraged to sing and also to play my harp, Rosaleen. I shouldn’t ignore my guitars in this, as both Blue and Carlos got to use their stringy, sonorous talents.

Before the whole holiday season, I weighed 240 (up from 205 last February, but that was largely the cause of starvation). I weigh 242 today. Now it’s time for me to start working that number down again in a healthy manner. If I could talk myself into more exercise, that would help.

I hope you’re enjoying the Return of the Sun in your lives.

Hugs,
Moss

UnWhammied

I guess I neglected to post the resolution of the previous post. But we got it worked out. As for my guys at work, they have been a bit better this week.

Hugs,
Me

Double Whammy

Yesterday I learned that my housemate and I were on different pages regarding our payment agreement (or apparently lack thereof). We both felt gut-punched over that. We’re attempting to work it out. But I went to work at less than peak…

And then my guy went off, and kept going off, from 5 until just before 8. I was about ready to run out the door and give up, but I’m just no good at quitting. I had to remind myself that I only have to put up with him 5/5 while he lives with it 24/7.

When I got home, I just went to my room. I spent maybe 20 minutes on my computer, and otherwise just stayed on my bed, some crying involved.

Somehow I made it to work today.

Hugs,

Me

GAFilk Redux

I had a wonderful time this weekend at GAFilk, my 4th consecutive year there. You had better believe I’ll be going back next year. I also have semi-committed to ConCarolinas at the end of May and mini-committed to Chambanacon. Anyhow, I got to play and sing a lot, show off my hard baby, and spend lots of time with BLC and many, many, many other friends, listen to lots of concerts, dance with Sue (twice this year, new record) (I turned down a dance with Cat, as I was tuckered out from the two with Sue), bought two books, picked up a free book, and bought a new t-shirt. The trip was uneventful both ways, taking a shade over 3.5 hours each way. Now I just need to record my spending and see how well I did with that. I gave CDs to Lem and Kathleen, who funded the recording, and also CD and Rob.

Hugs,
Me

Driving to Georgia

Don’t have a Sherman tank, don’t smoke Nat Sherman’s, but I’m going to Georgia for my fourth consecutive GAFilk. Rooming with Blind Lemming Chiffon as usual. Hope to see a lot of my friends and have a great time.