Tag Archive: poverty

Adding it up

Still most of my friends have not been able to comment. Leave me email with the username you want and a temporary password (must be moderately strong for WordPress to accept it) and I’ll set you up.

Been treading water. I had to tell my cousin I wanted to go to Pittsburgh by myself, that hurt both of us but I had to stand on my own at the first con anyone ever invited me to as a paid musical guest. I got all my bills paid, got two things on my Needs List, and have $19 left over… well, $17, just remembered eBay had to take their monthly fees for the paltry amount of stuff I’ve managed to sell.

I keep saying I’m doing fine on my own, but I’ve had three visitors stay for 3-7 days since moving here in March and they all feed me. I needed that at first, but the last week of food did me in. I’m gaining weight again, 222 with clothing yesterday so at least 10 pounds gained.

Let me tell the Universe: I AM HERE IN THIS APARTMENT TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I AM THANKFUL FOR THE HELP, CARING, AND LOVE SHOWN BY MY FRIENDS BUT I CAN’T WORK ON THINGS WHEN I’M BUSY HELPING OR BEING HELPED BY OTHERS. Please back off now, I think I have the situation under control. And yes, I know that last one was completely my own fault.

Now if I could be strong enough that a friend calls me needing a place to stay and I say NO. Don’t know if I’m ready for that to happen.

I am looking for more outlets for my knit caps, hopefully local to Eastern Tennessee. I’ve donated quite a few to KARM, some have been given to individuals I met on the bus (and I’m not riding the bus now), and a very few to outlying shelters in Jefferson City and Morristown. Oh, and quite a few to my own Family, Earth’s Web. If you know of anything, especially groups helping the homeless who are NOT affiliated with a specific religious group (secular or other-than-Christian preferred). I really don’t think FoxNews viewers would be helped significantly by having warmer brains.

Speaking of which, it seems that the Justice Party USA in Tennessee has been crawling along quite slowly. I’ve volunteered to do just about anything except make phone calls, and haven’t heard. There are a few posts on Facebook. In terms of networking, we’re doing as well as a communist cell — nobody knows who anyone else is.

Enough for now.

Hugs,
Me

Not Getting It

Well, we’re getting help to get the van fixed. Hope we can do it for that amount. But I still spent the morning crying.

Stress, stress, and stress. I haven’t had more than 5 hours sleep in about 2 weeks. When I get to bed early, I get woke up early and can’t get back to sleep — when I get to bed late, I don’t have time to sleep in. And late happens more often than early.

I did not get to go to my Family’s Yule celebration. I asked for help with a ride and did not get sufficient response to actually get the ride. At least two people apologized, but even so… I need that contact, otherwise I feel so isolated.

Honey is doing her very best. She has been doing more housework even though it leaves her in significant pain. But with my meltdown, I’ve not been able to do as much work as I’d like or was getting used to doing, so if she didn’t pick it up, the house would be a wreck.

What do you do to get inner peace? Mine keeps being destroyed by outer turmoil and stress, can’t get past that. Maybe I’m making it too hard, I know I did that in the past.

We have to get through this — there is a threat that I will lose my Disability due to having to fill in for people at work (too many hours means too much pay means no SSDI). If that happens, I would have to work 58 hours per week to make what I’m currently making inluding benefits, and I’m melting down major-league working 25 hours. But I still have the job after more than 6 months, and the fact that I keep being asked to help out by my house manager means I’m valued.

Any prayers or energy you can send for us will be much appreciated.

 

Hugs,

Me

Hellooooooo?

My blog is getting seen. By anywhere from, oh, zero to four persons per day. Sorry to be so uninteresting.

I’d think there would be that many views just trying to catch up, now that I have multiple years worth of blogs added.

I gave myself a birthday present (well, Mom gave me the money, so I guess you could say she gave it to me) and joined Ar nDraoicht Fein (Our Own Druidism), founded something like 30 years ago by P.E.I. (Isaac) Bonewits. I look forward to learning new things, and wonder why I didn’t join much sooner. My students have been reading Isaac’s major book as part of their studies for, well, as long as I’ve been teaching. Isaac’s widow, Phaedra, has been on my Friends list at Facebook for, well, since before he died, which isn’t all that long, but we have gotten quite friendly (in a Facebook-y way).

Life is still hell in a big way. A Disability check and a part-time job were not meant to be used to raise a SO and her daughter in a big house (the rent is cheap, the utilities are not) and it stresses me to my limits and beyond almost every day. Our personalities are just different enough to not be able to easily figure out what to do to coexist or, better, work together easily. Which, of course, adds to the stress. I’m amazed that I’ve kept my job over 6 months (and am valued there) and not had to check myself in somewhere. The lack of a running vehicle also prevents me from getting to my therapist appointments and puts a huge crimp on the life of my family as well… probably hurts them more than it does me, as I can get the bus to work and a few other places (but not the therapist’s office).

Nothing hurts self-esteem more than feeling you’re just not doing well enough. That quickly gets translated to you ARE not good enough. Not good.

I bought my honey a phone, to use on Boost. Then I found out my bank account is overdrawn (yet again) and I can’t activate it until my next paycheck — and maybe not then, as the overdraft needs to be addressed as well as current bills. Sigh.

Ya know, I’d trade my problems for Bill Gates’ any day. There are very few ways we’re going to get through this, and they all have problems attached.

Hugs,

Me

And also losing it

I got out to Walking Fern Farm yesterday among so many people who love me, for a meeting to determine our Festivals, Moon Rituals, and Male and Female Retreats. Soon after I got there I started crying.

I’ve been so overwhelmed. I’m doing the best I can. But at my age, going from barely being able to take care of myself to having to take care of a good-sized house, a fiance, and her daughter, all by myself, has been too much for me. I have no way of fixing it… other than finding an under-the-table job which pays me to do nothing, and I don’t think anyone’s out there. I’ve tried selling my music and some meditation necklaces, and nobody is buying. My honey is selling jewelry, and has no market. We’re not begging (most of the time) but nothing is happening to keep us from needing to beg.

I got a lot of sympathy and a lot of advice, most of which I can’t use but it was welcome hearing people trying to help.

I came home and crashed. Slept until 6:30. And was still tired at bedtime.

Some of the fatigue could be from the new blood pressure medication, but I’m not feeling that. It’s the stress that just doesn’t go away, and not all of it is financial.

If you can help, my music can be purchased at http://mordewis.bandcamp.com and the meditation necklaces and other things at http://serpentscoils.ecrater.com .