Tag Archive: friends

Bad Morning Ruminations

Not my best morning. Fading in and out of a not-very-empowering dream, I started remembering various times in my life where my family hurt me and (a) failed to protect me, (b) ignored what was happening and then denied anything did, or (c) openly laughed at me for being hurt. All those times when just ONE person could have comforted me and it would be all right — and nobody did. All the times I was told that something I was good at would never be good enough to be worth anything (“You’ll never make money at that, better do something else.”)

I’m sure I’ve disappointed my family. but they disappointed me first.

And guess what? I’m not going to hurt myself. Too many people would say, “See, I told you he wouldn’t turn out to any good.” I hope you understand how horrible it feels to go on living and taking the best care of myself I know how, because, in my deepest heart, I know how many people would be satisfied if I gave up.

A lot of other areas of my life are based on that premise. I’m going to keep doing something, not because I love doing it (I know I would have loved it if I had gotten the least encouragement from the family who was supposed to do that) but because someone would be smugly satisfied if I quit and I refuse to give them that.

I’ll have sunnier posts. I promise.

Selected comment and response on Facebook:

Danielle Meierhenry Remember it’s Mercury Retrograde AND a full moon right now. It’s bound to play games in the subconscious. I know it’s little comfort in the moment, though.

Moss Bliss Yeah, well, Mom (Luna, Mother Earth) always makes me feel loved. I sometimes miss having a person touch me and tell me that, but I never doubt Goddess.

Moss Bliss That judging Sky God always took my family’s side, and told me I wasn’t His type. I’m sure a lot of people who are “different” feel the same on that score.

Happy Imbolc

I had a wonderful Imbolc celebration, mostly with Morristown-area members of my spiritual Family. Some I hadn’t seen for quite a while — Phoenix and his lady I hadn’t seen since the Splendor Hollow Music Festival. (I don’t have much money for going out, so I’ve been missing the local performances of Tuatha Dea).

With all the wonderful food provided by everyone, with special thanks to our hosts, Oz and Magenta Moon (who began the celebration on a high note by becoming handfasted to each other), amazingly I did not gain much weight. I was encouraged to sing and also to play my harp, Rosaleen. I shouldn’t ignore my guitars in this, as both Blue and Carlos got to use their stringy, sonorous talents.

Before the whole holiday season, I weighed 240 (up from 205 last February, but that was largely the cause of starvation). I weigh 242 today. Now it’s time for me to start working that number down again in a healthy manner. If I could talk myself into more exercise, that would help.

I hope you’re enjoying the Return of the Sun in your lives.

Hugs,
Moss

Double Whammy

Yesterday I learned that my housemate and I were on different pages regarding our payment agreement (or apparently lack thereof). We both felt gut-punched over that. We’re attempting to work it out. But I went to work at less than peak…

And then my guy went off, and kept going off, from 5 until just before 8. I was about ready to run out the door and give up, but I’m just no good at quitting. I had to remind myself that I only have to put up with him 5/5 while he lives with it 24/7.

When I got home, I just went to my room. I spent maybe 20 minutes on my computer, and otherwise just stayed on my bed, some crying involved.

Somehow I made it to work today.

Hugs,

Me

GAFilk Redux

I had a wonderful time this weekend at GAFilk, my 4th consecutive year there. You had better believe I’ll be going back next year. I also have semi-committed to ConCarolinas at the end of May and mini-committed to Chambanacon. Anyhow, I got to play and sing a lot, show off my hard baby, and spend lots of time with BLC and many, many, many other friends, listen to lots of concerts, dance with Sue (twice this year, new record) (I turned down a dance with Cat, as I was tuckered out from the two with Sue), bought two books, picked up a free book, and bought a new t-shirt. The trip was uneventful both ways, taking a shade over 3.5 hours each way. Now I just need to record my spending and see how well I did with that. I gave CDs to Lem and Kathleen, who funded the recording, and also CD and Rob.

Hugs,
Me

Got Help

An old friend needed a place to stay for some length of time, probably not exceeding a year. I got permission from my landlord, and over the past two weekends moved her in. She has her own room. So far things appear to be working. This will allow me to get caught up even more quickly on my debt — there is some (outside) chance I might be out of debt by next Yule… I’ll be happy to do more than cut it in half.

Nothing much going on. Work is being work. No concerts scheduled yet for 2015. I have one convention scheduled at my expense, and hope to be able to schedule another in May.

Hugs,

Me

Quiet Time

I assure you, lots of good things are happening in my life. More articles in Peppermint & Sage, more friends to talk to, good things on the computer front (like a Pogoplug as a birthday present), and I’m finally starting to lose weight again (I’ve been gaining like mad since getting free into my own apartment, was up to 242 after being 204 when I moved in). But right now I’m all about getting myself together.

One old friend has bladder cancer and decided that fighting it was harder than giving in, so he has moved (12 hours away rather than 2) to be closer to his remaining family. Another is trying to raise money for a car she can live in, which, again, would take her farther than 2 hours away.

No Thanksgiving invitations… well, actually, two, but I work 3 to 8 pm. One starts at 4 and the other is a 2-hour drive away (and I’d have to drive back, and work again on Friday). So I guess that removes one possibility for weight gain. I’d love to have some people to just hang with.

Issues:
Psych drugs — completely free since Nov 2003
Music — no scheduled concerts, GAFilk in January is my next con, hoping to get to ConCarolinas in May.
Spirituality — Phamily’s Yule Gather is coming up soon
Age — I get to turn 61 solar cycles next week
Health — Doing pretty well. Blood pressure in check with only one lite med, getting an injection every other week, taking lots of vitamins, minerals, and other supplements.
Pets — Cecil and Narasimha, my two black kitty brothers, are wonderful to me when they are not beating each other up. Ariadne got fed this week, but I haven’t yet gotten Salazar to eat (both are royal pythons).
Neighbors — I have new neighbors across the hall in #6, but they just moved from one of the apartments up front. Haven’t gotten to know them yet.

So overall I’m feeling connected but alone, healthy but with issues, safe, and my job is still good. I even got a $0.27/hr raise the other week…

Hugs,
Me

Vanishing Wheelchair

I drove to Asheville today (Saturday) to play a little bit at the Vanishing Wheelchair Project. Apparently the word didn’t get out, they had the smallest audience of recent times. There were supposed to be about 30 children there but something happened and they didn’t show up. I played really well, 3 songs, got a lot of positive support and tried to give away some hats but people kept paying me for them, made $28. I got to see my friends at Bruisin’ Ales, spent a fair bit of time with John Noggle, talked on the phone with Sky, and even shouted out to Mike Paglia, who I saw in Pritchard Park. After the show I went back to John’s, watched a movie and ate peanuts. Decided I was awake enough to drive home, so I did. I got home just a tad after 2 am.

I was informed of the show by Emmy and Ken, who were supposed to go with me; about mid-week they cancelled, and I thought I’d go ahead and do it by myself.

Yep, that’s a good day.

Still Barding Along

I’ve been practicing quite a bit on Rosaleen, and even got the string replaced on Otto (Chromaharp). Spent considerable time at Emmy and Ken’s over the weekend, assembled a couple of kitchen stools and helped move some stuff around. We made a dent on the mess in the basement but have much more to go.

Work is still going along, tonight was pretty good.

Goddess has really been passing the blessings along. I have a new twin bed which is a lot more supportive than my old one, and the neighbors across the hall have been moving out and giving me all the stuff they don’t want to move, including lots of food and spices and a couple furniture items. I have to figure out what to do with my old mattress and box spring, don’t think they accept them at the Conventient Center.

Abundance. What a concept.

Hugs,
Me

Home Again

I had a wonderful weekend. Visited with John Noggle yesterday, did not get to go to lunch as planned before needing to leave. Nan was ill so I couldn’t take her to St. Matthews with me for the Housefilk. Got there just fine, had a wonderful time, slept fairly well on a nice bed, left this morning to go back to Asheville. I visited with Sky for an hour or so, and cancelled on John because he wanted to take me out to eat and I was still full from last night. Came home. Didn’t spend too much on gas, considering, and had a wonderful time. My landlord installed a new air conditioner for my bedroom over the weekend; looks kinda small and not so much energy efficient, but the smallness might mean fewer BTUs anyhow. As long as I can sleep.

Weekend Trip

On my way to St. Matthews, SC for the night, with stops in Asheville and Hendersonville (I hope). A filk party at the home of Larry Kirby. Will be lots of fun. Might or might not get to take Nan with me, depending on her health. I’ll get a short visit with John Noggle in Asheville and some lunch. Don’t think I have time to drop by Sky St, Martha but maybe on the return trip. Anyone else? Call me.