Tag Archive: love

Winding Down

And the week rolls to a close. It has been a long time since I had such a comfortable time with a woman… and felt so helpless. I drive Nan back home. She has had more backrubs this week than any week in recent memory. I know they *helped* but they didn’t fix anything or show a path forward. I hate it when I can’t really help… but I got a chance to show love, and not much chance to show the lust which properly goes with a good relationship. It’s really hard to get into lovemaking when you feel the tiny flinch that goes with each light touch. And this is a woman I really love and really would want to be with. Almost happened once.

I told my mother when I first broke up with Nan that I would be with her again in 2 years. I missed the deadline, but if I could heal the pain she is going though I would be there in seconds. Assuming I could get another driver and had enough gas money to get to H’ville and back with a Uhaul and my van…

In other news, I was part of a test group trying to help write a document to use multiple virtual machines on Lighthouse 64 Mariner or FatDog 64. I think I helped make the document more usable, especially for newbies like me, but I never really finished getting it set up (maybe if I read the finished document I can do that).

I just tasted the first beer out of my latest batch. This is a “Grand Bohemian Pilsner” — ya know, it’s supposed to taste like Buttweiper or Molar (names changed to protect the rich people) … and if their product tasted like THIS I wouldn’t bother buying homebrewing kits. Still, I like more of a Belgian product, so I’ll be buying more of that when I get enough money.

OK, time to get ready for the long drive to WNC and back.

Hugs,
Me

Hiatus

Unless something major happens, I will likely be taking time off from the blog for a while.

I have also purchased the domain name, peacefulhippo.info , and intend to (a) change my website, mosshippohaven.info , to that domain and (b) move this blog there. Could be messy but would be nice to have all my stuff in one place.

I have had zero activity at serpentscoils.ecrater.com and will likely either remove that site altogether or set it up at peacefulhippo. Again, no use hanging myself out there for nothing.

Many thanks to the friends who have been supporting me through my current issues. You are very much loved and appreciated.

Hugs,
Me

Not Getting It

Well, we’re getting help to get the van fixed. Hope we can do it for that amount. But I still spent the morning crying.

Stress, stress, and stress. I haven’t had more than 5 hours sleep in about 2 weeks. When I get to bed early, I get woke up early and can’t get back to sleep — when I get to bed late, I don’t have time to sleep in. And late happens more often than early.

I did not get to go to my Family’s Yule celebration. I asked for help with a ride and did not get sufficient response to actually get the ride. At least two people apologized, but even so… I need that contact, otherwise I feel so isolated.

Honey is doing her very best. She has been doing more housework even though it leaves her in significant pain. But with my meltdown, I’ve not been able to do as much work as I’d like or was getting used to doing, so if she didn’t pick it up, the house would be a wreck.

What do you do to get inner peace? Mine keeps being destroyed by outer turmoil and stress, can’t get past that. Maybe I’m making it too hard, I know I did that in the past.

We have to get through this — there is a threat that I will lose my Disability due to having to fill in for people at work (too many hours means too much pay means no SSDI). If that happens, I would have to work 58 hours per week to make what I’m currently making inluding benefits, and I’m melting down major-league working 25 hours. But I still have the job after more than 6 months, and the fact that I keep being asked to help out by my house manager means I’m valued.

Any prayers or energy you can send for us will be much appreciated.

 

Hugs,

Me

Hellooooooo?

My blog is getting seen. By anywhere from, oh, zero to four persons per day. Sorry to be so uninteresting.

I’d think there would be that many views just trying to catch up, now that I have multiple years worth of blogs added.

I gave myself a birthday present (well, Mom gave me the money, so I guess you could say she gave it to me) and joined Ar nDraoicht Fein (Our Own Druidism), founded something like 30 years ago by P.E.I. (Isaac) Bonewits. I look forward to learning new things, and wonder why I didn’t join much sooner. My students have been reading Isaac’s major book as part of their studies for, well, as long as I’ve been teaching. Isaac’s widow, Phaedra, has been on my Friends list at Facebook for, well, since before he died, which isn’t all that long, but we have gotten quite friendly (in a Facebook-y way).

Life is still hell in a big way. A Disability check and a part-time job were not meant to be used to raise a SO and her daughter in a big house (the rent is cheap, the utilities are not) and it stresses me to my limits and beyond almost every day. Our personalities are just different enough to not be able to easily figure out what to do to coexist or, better, work together easily. Which, of course, adds to the stress. I’m amazed that I’ve kept my job over 6 months (and am valued there) and not had to check myself in somewhere. The lack of a running vehicle also prevents me from getting to my therapist appointments and puts a huge crimp on the life of my family as well… probably hurts them more than it does me, as I can get the bus to work and a few other places (but not the therapist’s office).

Nothing hurts self-esteem more than feeling you’re just not doing well enough. That quickly gets translated to you ARE not good enough. Not good.

I bought my honey a phone, to use on Boost. Then I found out my bank account is overdrawn (yet again) and I can’t activate it until my next paycheck — and maybe not then, as the overdraft needs to be addressed as well as current bills. Sigh.

Ya know, I’d trade my problems for Bill Gates’ any day. There are very few ways we’re going to get through this, and they all have problems attached.

Hugs,

Me

Hanging on

The weekend had a lot of really good times, and then things fell off. My family did not feel as welcome as I did. And on the way home, some of the old things resurfaced and I’m feeling a bit on loose footing again. I’m sure it’s just my feelings, but it’s never good to ignore those.

Work is going well and I am going to try a day shift this Sunday — my usual Fridays are taken by someone else for a few weeks and I need the work (e.g., the money). I thought about even trying a shift at another House. But my House Manager has confidence in me, which is a good thing.

Happy Turkey Day

Rather than make a useless apology for the #genocide basic to our country’s birth, I just wanted to say I hope you all have family and/or loved ones to spend the #holidays with. My sweet Sunshine and I will be going to a friend’s house for food and community, then spending a long weekend together.

Everything has been fine. I had enough money to almost get through the month (much thanks to my #mother for providing the vigorish), enough #love and #companionship, enough shelter. My cat hates me less every day.

May you be richly blessed over this winter season and emerge with new growth in Spring.

Hugs,
Me