Tag Archive: mother

Bad Morning Ruminations

Not my best morning. Fading in and out of a not-very-empowering dream, I started remembering various times in my life where my family hurt me and (a) failed to protect me, (b) ignored what was happening and then denied anything did, or (c) openly laughed at me for being hurt. All those times when just ONE person could have comforted me and it would be all right — and nobody did. All the times I was told that something I was good at would never be good enough to be worth anything (“You’ll never make money at that, better do something else.”)

I’m sure I’ve disappointed my family. but they disappointed me first.

And guess what? I’m not going to hurt myself. Too many people would say, “See, I told you he wouldn’t turn out to any good.” I hope you understand how horrible it feels to go on living and taking the best care of myself I know how, because, in my deepest heart, I know how many people would be satisfied if I gave up.

A lot of other areas of my life are based on that premise. I’m going to keep doing something, not because I love doing it (I know I would have loved it if I had gotten the least encouragement from the family who was supposed to do that) but because someone would be smugly satisfied if I quit and I refuse to give them that.

I’ll have sunnier posts. I promise.

Selected comment and response on Facebook:

Danielle Meierhenry Remember it’s Mercury Retrograde AND a full moon right now. It’s bound to play games in the subconscious. I know it’s little comfort in the moment, though.

Moss Bliss Yeah, well, Mom (Luna, Mother Earth) always makes me feel loved. I sometimes miss having a person touch me and tell me that, but I never doubt Goddess.

Moss Bliss That judging Sky God always took my family’s side, and told me I wasn’t His type. I’m sure a lot of people who are “different” feel the same on that score.

Recovery

With my mother’s help, I have a new vehicle. It’s a 2006 Chevy Cobalt with 88,500 miles on it. Paid $5990 plus tax and license. So I got back to work Thursday.

Then I worked day shift AND my regular shift Friday. Day shift Sunday. Extra hours Monday. And more hours Tuesday including working by myself all shift, which should not happen, with the promise of Wednesday off to rest. A lot of this is because my manager’s mother passed away, and he needed more time away to deal with it, as is fully understandable, so I pulled my weight as a member of the team. But I’ve worked at least 42 hours this past 7 days, maybe 45, and I have been feeling overworked at my normal 25.

So then my manager got back today, and asked me to work. I had to tell him no. Instead, I went to take a computer desk back to an ex (had to disassemble it, and reassemble it at her apartment), pick up my computer (which died last Wednesday night, seems to have been a memory chip going bad), and then spend a few hours getting my checkbook spreadsheet caught up. (I haven’t worked on it since I left for Confluence, when I found that their mobile app lets me view, but not edit, my spreadsheets.)

I think I’m caught up. I had some money left over and put it in savings just in case my paycheck is shorter than expected (this next paycheck includes 4 days off out of my usual 10, again for Confluence and the car trouble). I needed $50 of that savings to balance a payment due to be taken out tomorrow. But I think I’m on track again. And ZohoDocs tells me that they are working very hard on their mobile apps so that this does not happen again.

I have been very lucky. I have had things to do, friends to do them with, and the help I needed when things broke down. I now have to spend the next 18-24 months getting on top of things so that I won’t need to ask for help when the next crisis occurs.

Hugs,
Me

Not Getting It

Well, we’re getting help to get the van fixed. Hope we can do it for that amount. But I still spent the morning crying.

Stress, stress, and stress. I haven’t had more than 5 hours sleep in about 2 weeks. When I get to bed early, I get woke up early and can’t get back to sleep — when I get to bed late, I don’t have time to sleep in. And late happens more often than early.

I did not get to go to my Family’s Yule celebration. I asked for help with a ride and did not get sufficient response to actually get the ride. At least two people apologized, but even so… I need that contact, otherwise I feel so isolated.

Honey is doing her very best. She has been doing more housework even though it leaves her in significant pain. But with my meltdown, I’ve not been able to do as much work as I’d like or was getting used to doing, so if she didn’t pick it up, the house would be a wreck.

What do you do to get inner peace? Mine keeps being destroyed by outer turmoil and stress, can’t get past that. Maybe I’m making it too hard, I know I did that in the past.

We have to get through this — there is a threat that I will lose my Disability due to having to fill in for people at work (too many hours means too much pay means no SSDI). If that happens, I would have to work 58 hours per week to make what I’m currently making inluding benefits, and I’m melting down major-league working 25 hours. But I still have the job after more than 6 months, and the fact that I keep being asked to help out by my house manager means I’m valued.

Any prayers or energy you can send for us will be much appreciated.

 

Hugs,

Me

Happy Turkey Day

Rather than make a useless apology for the #genocide basic to our country’s birth, I just wanted to say I hope you all have family and/or loved ones to spend the #holidays with. My sweet Sunshine and I will be going to a friend’s house for food and community, then spending a long weekend together.

Everything has been fine. I had enough money to almost get through the month (much thanks to my #mother for providing the vigorish), enough #love and #companionship, enough shelter. My cat hates me less every day.

May you be richly blessed over this winter season and emerge with new growth in Spring.

Hugs,
Me